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    I wish the resurrection of our lord and savior was deemed important enough for a day off work.

    I wish the resurrection of our lord and savior was deemed important enough for a day off work

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    I can't wait to hide all the Easter candy for the kids inside my stomach.

    I can't wait to hide all the Easter candy for the kids inside my stomach.

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    I ran out of tampons so I'm using a Peep.

    I ran out of tampons so I'm using a Peep.

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    I hope you have a better Good Friday than Jesus did.

    I hope you have a better Good Friday than Jesus did

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    Sorry the body of Christ isn't gluten-free.

    Sorry the body of Christ isn't gluten-free.

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    Jesus regrets dying for you.

    Jesus regrets dying for you.

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    Adorable candy will help distract us from the astounding horror of a man being nailed to a cross.

    Adorable candy will help distract us from the astounding horror of a man being nailed to a cross

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    May your Easter be as festive and colorful as a legal gay wedding.

    May your Easter be as festive and colorful as a legal gay wedding.

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    You're old enough to be told that the Easter Bunny and Jesus aren't real.

    You're old enough to be told that the Easter Bunny and Jesus aren't real

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    I hope the US Airways tweet has given you creative ideas on hiding Easter eggs this year.

    I hope the US Airways tweet has given you creative ideas on hiding Easter eggs this year.

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    I'd be more impressed with Jesus's resurrection if I'd never seen Weekend At Bernie's.

    I'd be more impressed with Jesus's resurrection if I'd never seen Weekend At Bernie's.

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    The only story of bloodshed and betrayal I care about this weekend is Game of Thrones.

    The only story of bloodshed and betrayal I care about this weekend is Game of Thrones.

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    Sorry Jesus's resurrection is being overshadowed by Mrs. Doubtfire's.

    Sorry Jesus's resurrection is being overshadowed by Mrs. Doubtfire's.

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    Let's celebrate the end of Lent by doing everything we pretended to give up for Lent.

    Let's celebrate the end of Lent by doing everything we pretended to give up for Lent

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    After Jesus, you're my second-favorite Jew.

    After Jesus, you're my second-favorite Jew

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    A nice Jewish man rising from the dead seems less miraculous than finding one I can date.

    A nice Jewish man rising from the dead seems less miraculous than finding one I can date

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    Sorry the only guy you've seen naked this year is Jesus on a crucifix.

    Sorry the only guy you've seen naked this year is Jesus on a crucifix.

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    Please join us for Easter dinner unless you've already committed to Satan.

    Please join us for Easter dinner unless you've already committed to Satan

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    It would take a lot more than 30 pieces of silver for me to betray you to murderous authorities unless we were in a major recession.

    It would take a lot more than 30 pieces of silver for me to betray you to murderous authorities unless we were in a major recession

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    Happy Easter from one lapsed Catholic to another.

    Happy Easter from one lapsed Catholic to another

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