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  • Birthday Birthday

    Happy birthday to someone who's aged much better in the last four years than Obama.

    Happy birthday to someone who's aged much better in the last four years than Obama.

  • Bother Voting Bother Voting

    Voting is the perfect way to not feel like an asshole when someone asks if you voted.

    Voting is the perfect way to not feel like an asshole when someone asks if you voted.

  • Bother Voting Bother Voting

    I strongly encourage you to vote even if it's for the wrong candidate.

    I strongly encourage you to vote even if it's for the wrong candidate.

  • Somewhat Topical Somewhat Topical

    Let's wildly overreact to every presidential poll update.

    Let's wildly overreact to every presidential poll update.

  • Bother Voting Bother Voting

    I just can't picture myself sleeping with a non-voter.

    I just can't picture myself sleeping with a non-voter.

  • Bother Voting Bother Voting

    Mustering the energy to vote will help ensure I maintain the freedom to be as lazy as I want.

    Mustering the energy to vote will help ensure I maintain the freedom to be as lazy as I want.

  • Somewhat Topical Somewhat Topical

    My concern with these crucial upcoming presidential debates is that I'll somehow need to pay attention.

    My concern with these crucial upcoming presidential debates is that I'll somehow need to pay attention.

  • Bother Voting Bother Voting

    I hope you appreciate being a voter in a battleground state because it's probably the last time anyone will care what you think.

    I hope you appreciate being a voter in a battleground state because it's probably the last time anyone will care what you think.

  • Somewhat Topical Somewhat Topical

    Don't forget to take advantage of your semi-racist grandparents' deteriorating mental faculties to fool them into voting for Obama.

    Don't forget to take advantage of your semi-racist grandparents' deteriorating mental faculties to fool them into voting for Obama.

  • Bother Voting Bother Voting

    You're just the sort of hot young Republican with whom I'd like to have election night hate-sex.

    You're just the sort of hot young Republican with whom I'd like to have election night hate-sex.

  • Somewhat Topical Somewhat Topical

    I hope you're not awkwardly stuck with the losing candidate's bumper sticker on your car.

    I hope you're not awkwardly stuck with the losing candidate's bumper sticker on your car.

  • Somewhat Topical Somewhat Topical

    Biden scares me enough that I'd be willing to pay more in taxes to beef up security around Obama.

    Biden scares me enough that I'd be willing to pay more in taxes to beef up security around Obama.

  • Somewhat Topical Somewhat Topical

    I can't wait to find out why we voted for Obama.

    I can't wait to find out why we voted for Obama.

  • Halloween Halloween

    Just double-checking that your Obama costume will involve a mask and not shoe polish.

    Just double-checking that your Obama costume will involve a mask and not shoe polish.

  • Bother Voting Bother Voting

    I miss the days of Sarah Palin being the scariest Republican candidate in history.

    I miss the days of Sarah Palin being the scariest Republican candidate in history.

  • Bother Voting Bother Voting

    Don't forget to vote on Tuesday for the slightly less awful and eventually completely ineffective candidate.

    Don't forget to vote on Tuesday for the slightly less awful and eventually completely ineffective candidate.

  • Somewhat Topical Somewhat Topical

    I can't wait to see which Republican candidate will terrify me into voting for Obama again.

    I can't wait to see which Republican candidate will terrify me into voting for Obama again.

  • Valentine's Day Valentine's Day

    The GOP settling for Romney is a great reminder to thank you for settling for me.

    The GOP settling for Romney is a great reminder to thank you for settling for me.

  • Somewhat Topical Somewhat Topical

    The government may force me to have health insurance but they can never force me to respect my body.

    The government may force me to have health insurance but they can never force me to respect my body.

  • Somewhat Topical Somewhat Topical

    May you finally get proper health care for the exhaustion you endured trying to read an entire article about Obamacare.

    May you finally get proper health care for the exhaustion you endured trying to read an entire article about Obamacare.

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