My entire goal in life is to show my friends who are not single how awesome being single is.
When work feels overwhelming, remember that you're going to die.
I'd like to offer moral support but I have questionable morals.
You ride pretty damn fast for a guy with two testicles.
You are one stack of shit away from an episode of hoarders.
You'll always have someone to masturbate to.
Quit smoking, you fucking moron.
Don't hold back from getting another finger in there.
You're surprisingly well-educated for an American.
I'm confident you'll find something new to complain about.
Carpe diem before the glaciers drown us.
May your life someday be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
If at first you don't succeed, then maybe you should do it the way I told you to in the beginning.
If you quit smoking, I promise to develop an oral fixation.
I'll buy you a share of Facebook for every status update you don't post.
I could totally see you getting into gum or mints.
May that energy bar carry you through your day of doing nothing.
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