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When work feels overwhelming, remember that you're going to die

I'd like to offer moral support but I have questionable morals

Let's stop rushing to find husbands and start rushing to freeze our eggs

Your presentation will be inspirational for anyone actually listening

If at first you don't succeed, then maybe you should do it the way I told you to in the beginning.

You are one stack of shit away from an episode of hoarders.

Remember, it's just a test. If you fuck up, it doesn't mean you're a fuckup. That said, try not to fuck this up. It's pretty important

I'm so proud and jealous of you

I'm confident your brains will help you pass the bar exam and your tits will help you win cases

Get your shit together

May your life someday be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.

I have no doubt you'll be gainfully employed and in the mood to have sex with me in no time

Don't hold back from getting another finger in there

Plenty of people don't win the lottery the first few thousand times they play

Your performance will be great or I'll just pretend it was

Don't give up on the dreams you never had

If I had your penis I'd think with it, too.

That outfit would go great with a personality

Just wanted to wish you luck on the bar exam and remind you it's still my dream to marry a doctor or lawyer

Glad you've started to recognize your raging, long-term, absurdly obvious alcoholism

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