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  •  

    I bet you'd be surprised at how often people don't think about you.

    I bet you'd be surprised at how often people don't think about you.

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    One day you'll learn that I never learn.

    One day you'll learn that I never learn.

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    May you someday work as hard at your job as you do at CrossFit.

    May you someday work as hard at your job as you do at CrossFit.

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    Maybe you should consider keeping your selfies to yourself.

    Maybe you should consider keeping your selfies to yourself.

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    All the good women out there are either married, gay, or turned off by my numerous physical and emotional flaws.

    All the good women out there are either married, gay, or turned off by my numerous physical and emotional flaws.

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    In the interests of reaching a healthy weight, I'll be switching from pot to coke.

    In the interests of reaching a healthy weight, I'll be switching from pot to coke.

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    Nothing makes me more productive than the last minute.

    Nothing makes me more productive than the last minute.

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    Now is always a good time to wait until later.

    Now is always a good time to wait until later.

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    I genuinely care about whatever it is you've been complaining about for the past hour.

    I genuinely care about whatever it is you've been complaining about for the past hour.

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    My entire goal in life is to show my friends who are not single how awesome being single is.

    My entire goal in life is to show my friends who are not single how awesome being single is.

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    It's never too late to give up.

    It's never too late to give up.

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    There's a person or three cats out there for everyone.

    There's a person or three cats out there for everyone.

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    May your life someday be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.

    May your life someday be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.

  •  

    If I had your penis I'd think with it, too.

    If I had your penis I'd think with it, too.

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    May your large assault rifle help protect you from people thinking you have a tiny penis.

    May your large assault rifle help protect you from people thinking you have a tiny penis.

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    I have no doubt you'll be gainfully employed and in the mood to have sex with me in no time.

    I have no doubt you'll be gainfully employed and in the mood to have sex with me in no time

  •  

    Best of luck to Yahoo on explaining to its users what Tumblr is.

    Best of luck to Yahoo on explaining to its users what Tumblr is.

  •  

    It'll grow back.

    It'll grow back

  •  

    You're surprisingly well-educated for an American.

    You're surprisingly well-educated for an American

  •  

    Glad you've started to recognize your raging, long-term, absurdly obvious alcoholism.

    Glad you've started to recognize your raging, long-term, absurdly obvious alcoholism

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