The Harry Potter series has been a part of my life since I was nine years old. I love it. I purposely didn't make plans last Sunday so I could spend all day sitting in my bed reading the newest story, Harry Potter and the Cursed Child. But here is an actual text I sent to my friend the moment I finished the play:


That's right. This Harry Potter fan was not a fan of Cursed Child. Here's why.

1. The plot confused me.

Albus Potter and Scorpius Malfoy (who are of course best friends even though their dads, Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy, famously hate each other) unknowingly team up with Delphi, the actual daughter of Voldemort, to go back in time and stop Cedric Diggory from winning the TriWizard Tournament so he won't be killed. And when they fail the first time, they just keep going back and altering the course of history. Also, they somehow end up in Godric's Hollow the night Harry's parents were murdered. I have so many questions. Mainly: "Why?"

2. I don't understand, logistically, how Voldemort managed to father a child.

This one might get a little gross, but hear me out. Our old buddy, the Dark Lord, took a potion to regenerate his physical body as he was rising back to power. His physical body is also a weird hybrid of a human and a snake. On top of that, he was around 70 years old at the time of Deathly Hallows. I'm supposed to believe this old snake-man's reproductive parts function enough like a normal, fertile person's to get Bellatrix Lestrange pregnant? I don't buy it.