It's been staring right at us this whole time.

For years, people have looked at Joaquin Phoenix and been baffled. They all agreed he was a good actor, but they also agreed that something just wasn't quite right. For a while, we thought it might have been because he was crazy, or maybe just acting crazy for the purposes of a documentary. That was not the issue. The issue was that he had a tiny second face within his existing face. This cranial Kuato was cleverly hidden by using Joaquin's forehead wrinkles for a mouth and his head hair as a goatee. The secret has been revealed, however, thanks to a group of giggling friends who spotted the bizarre acting parasite on Phoenix's face while watching Her. Rotate your entire head to the left if you want to watch it, too.

We have to be careful now that it knows we've seen it. Is it just a small vestigial person, or does that face actually belong to the leader of a force of alien invaders preparing to take our planet, who happened to infiltrate his face during the filming of Signs? Our top investigators are currently watching Gladiator to see if it was still there at the time of his (historically atrocious) portrayal of Emperor Commodus.


(bJohnny McNulty)