On June 30, Variety graced us with a nine paragraph review of actress Renée​ Zellweger's face, written by celebrity face critic Owen Gleiberman. Sorry, FILM critic, he's Variety's new chief film critic. "Hooray!" you're probably thinking, "Another man commenting unnecessarily on a woman's appearance!" And so many comments, too. But listen—he's only doing it to protect the sanctity of the Bridget Jones franchise.

Watching the trailer, I didn’t stare at the actress and think: She doesn’t look like Renée Zellweger. I thought: She doesn’t look like Bridget Jones! Oddly, that made it matter more. Celebrities, like anyone else, have the right to look however they want, but the characters they play become part of us. I suddenly felt like something had been taken away.

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Doesn't Renée realize how much she's hurting him? How awful it is for her to take Bridget Jones away from him? He can barely recognize her, what with all the "maybe slightly different eyelids" she's got going on. It's just like a woman, too—James Bond would never do this to him.

In case you haven't seen it yet, here is the offending trailer for Zellweger's (or this face-snatching imposter's) upcoming movie, Bridget Jones' Baby. Watch closely, or you may not spot Renée Zellweger, since she looks so very different.

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