Like every other tweenage girl in America, we can’t wait for The Hunger Games to open next week. But one thing about the story still doesn’t make sense to us: Why would the Capitol send children into a brutal, unforgiving death match when there are so many other, more deserving candidates in the pop culture landscape? So here is our dream line-up for the Hunger Games. And yes, we know there should technically be 24 tributes, and they should technically be half guys and half girls. But we make the rules here, and we say “Quit being such a snot-nosed Career and just read this, OK?” (By Chase Mitchell)

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Rush Limbaugh - Abandoned by all of his sponsors after calling one of the female tributes a slut, Limbaugh would be left with no ammunition except his mouth. Every woman in the competition would gang up on him immediately, and he would die screaming the word "FEMINAZIS!" His carcass would then be hollowed out and used as a makeshift shelter for five to six people.

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