Despite what lame-os all over the internet are saying, Pokémon Go is very cool and very hip, and you should play it. I know this because I, myself, am extremely cool, and I play Pokémon Go.

A portrait of the author.
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Right now I'm writing this from my home in Santorini, surrounded by all the prettiest girls from every high school, though I am the only one of them who could properly called "beautiful." I just consumed my lunch of ground bone marrow and seaweed, and I was full after two bites. I work full time as a fitness guru for my company, MODELREXIA—classes there are $300 each. I'd link you to the website, but it's so minimalist that it's technically just a white page.

Currently, I'm dressed in a bikini and that Alexander McQueen skin jacket. I'm also the daughter of Gwyneth Paltrow, but I don't like to talk about it because she's old and fat. I'm 22 years old, and when I choose to work, I'm a CEO. My favorite hobby is Pokémon Go. Here's how to play it like me and make all your friends jealous.

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