It's not you, Netflix, it's who I am when I'm around you.
When your relationship with Netflix began, everything was new and exciting. It was all you could talk about for weeks. You stopped going out with your old friends to spend nights and weekends together in front of the TV. Every recommendation sounded like fun. Nature documentaries? Sign me up. Foreign movies? Oui oui! You could sit for hours reminiscing about sitcoms you loved as a kid and binging on dramas the old you would've never dreamed of watching. Pretty soon you were contemplating a future together filled with nothing but laughter and love.
But like any relationship, you fell into the old patterns and the excitement began to wear off. Then one night you find yourself sitting on the couch in silence, staring at a bunch of crap you're never going to watch and wondering where it all went wrong. Your Netflix cue had become a mess.
Well it's time to clean it up with this 5-step guide.
1. The Important Documentary
You felt so good putting this in your queue. You and the voice of Ellen Page were going to face life's problems head-on and change the world. Only you never seemed to be in the mood to do it. It's not that you don't want to help, the movie just seems like a drag. And the last time you tried to help a bee you were ten and the bee was a total dick who stung you for your effort. Want to help bees? Buy a jar of honey.
2. The Shocking Cult Movie
It sounded like a good idea at midnight after a few beers, but watching movies shouldn't be a challenge. You're not a teenager anymore, so you don't have to do things just because other people are doing it. Lot's of people eat ghost peppers after watching the hilarious YouTube videos, and they wind up crying in the bathroom praying to God they don't crap out their insides. You don't have to eat ghost peppers and you don't have to watch The Human Centipede. Lose it, before you make a mistake and lose your lunch.
3. The A-List Loser
There's a reason it landed on Netflix so fast. And that reason isn't the sudden generosity of Hollywood producers looking out for the little guy. Whenever a movie winds up on Netflix while the billboards are still hanging at bus stops around town, you know it's a piece of crap. Netflix is cheap, but it's not channel 11. And life is too short to waste even ninety minutes watching a bomb that cost people their jobs.
4. The Foreign Darling
It sounded familiar. Pretty sure it even won a bunch of awards, or at least was nominated. Right? "Starring Michael Nyqvist and Noomi Rapace." That is not a misprint. Because this isn't the popular movie you kept hearing about, it's the original. Good luck following the subtitles of a thriller when you can barely read the names of the actors. Admit it, you thought the girl looked hot and there was going to be lots of nudity. Maybe so, but it also looks like a huge bummer and a potential migraine. Pass.
5. The How High Were You?
Seriously, what were you thinking? Who cares if it has nearly four stars, it also has a guy in a dog costume licking Elijah Wood's face. The only reason it's still sitting in your cue is that you're afraid to admit that you often make bad choices because you smoke too much pot. Well it's time to stop kidding yourself and grow up. There's a better chance of you learning Korean than ever getting through two episodes of this and you know it. Cut your losses.
A new you begins with a clean Netflix queue.
(by Jonathan Corbett)