Jun. 26th, 2007
You're one of my favorite parents.
Aug. 13th, 2007
Glad I could show you how to turn your computer on, Mom.
Sep. 3rd, 2007
I need your money for doing deplorable things with my shady friends.
Feb. 26th, 2009
I love the sound of unconscious children.
Aug. 25th, 2007
One of your other children did it.
Jun. 16th, 2007
It's great seeing you a few times a year.
Jul. 4th, 2007
Hell, I love every one of you wacky bastards.
Sep. 6th, 2007
Thanks for not ditching me in a dumpster.
Sep. 3rd, 2007
I'll be the black sheep this week.
Aug. 20th, 2007
Thanks for putting up with all my shit, Dad.
Aug. 31st, 2007
Thanks for always thinking about me to the detriment of your own mental health.
Jul. 8th, 2011
You're the man I want our children to spend their weekends with.
Apr. 1st, 2011
The NFL lockout is inspiring me to follow my dream of finding new ways to avoid spending time with my family.
Dec. 24th, 2010
Sorry DADT still applies in your household.
Dec. 13th, 2010
If I were a bird, I'd be the one who shows up right as they finish the nest.
Nov. 10th, 2010
Mom, it takes zero effort to love you and a fifth of vodka to tolerate you.
Oct. 21st, 2010
Having kids reminded me why I didn't want to have kids.
Jan. 4th, 2009
Sorry I received a disproportionate share of our parents' affection.
Oct. 8th, 2008
Let's go do something we can complain our future children never do anymore.
Jul. 4th, 2007
If you don't like my cooking, I'll stick my head in the goddamn oven.