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  • Jun. 26th, 2007

    You're one of my favorite parents.

    You're one of my favorite parents.

  • Aug. 13th, 2007

    Glad I could show you how to turn your computer on, Mom.

    Glad I could show you how to turn your computer on, Mom.

  • Sep. 3rd, 2007

    I need your money for doing deplorable things with my shady friends.

    I need your money for doing deplorable things with my shady friends.

  • Feb. 26th, 2009

    I love the sound of unconscious children.

    I love the sound of unconscious children.

  • Aug. 25th, 2007

    One of your other children did it.

    One of your other children did it.

  • Jun. 16th, 2007

    It's great seeing you a few times a year.

    It's great seeing you a few times a year.

  • Jul. 4th, 2007

    Hell, I love every one of you wacky bastards.

    Hell, I love every one of you wacky bastards.

  • Sep. 6th, 2007

    Thanks for not ditching me in a dumpster.

    Thanks for not ditching me in a dumpster.

  • Sep. 3rd, 2007

    I'll be the black sheep this week.

    I'll be the black sheep this week.

  • Aug. 20th, 2007

    Thanks for putting up with all my shit, Dad.

    Thanks for putting up with all my shit, Dad.

  • Aug. 31st, 2007

    Thanks for always thinking about me to the detriment of your own mental health.

    Thanks for always thinking about me to the detriment of your own mental health.

  • Jul. 8th, 2011

    You're the man I want our children to spend their weekends with.

    You're the man I want our children to spend their weekends with.

  • Apr. 1st, 2011

    The NFL lockout is inspiring me to follow my dream of finding new ways to avoid spending time with my family.

    The NFL lockout is inspiring me to follow my dream of finding new ways to avoid spending time with my family.

  • Dec. 24th, 2010

    Sorry DADT still applies in your household.

    Sorry DADT still applies in your household.

  • Dec. 13th, 2010

    If I were a bird, I'd be the one who shows up right as they finish the nest.

    If I were a bird, I'd be the one who shows up right as they finish the nest.

  • Nov. 10th, 2010

    Mom, it takes zero effort to love you and a fifth of vodka to tolerate you.

    Mom, it takes zero effort to love you and a fifth of vodka to tolerate you.

  • Oct. 21st, 2010

    Having kids reminded me why I didn't want to have kids.

    Having kids reminded me why I didn't want to have kids.

  • Jan. 4th, 2009

    Sorry I received a disproportionate share of our parents' affection.

    Sorry I received a disproportionate share of our parents' affection.

  • Oct. 8th, 2008

    Let's go do something we can complain our future children never do anymore.

    Let's go do something we can complain our future children never do anymore.

  • Jul. 4th, 2007

    If you don't like my cooking, I'll stick my head in the goddamn oven.

    If you don't like my cooking, I'll stick my head in the goddamn oven.

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