• refine by:
sort-by: Most Popular | Newest
  •  

    For all the love you've given me, I will one day pay your nursing home bill.

    For all the love you've given me, I will one day pay your nursing home bill

  •  

    You're one of my favorite parents.

    You're one of my favorite parents

  •  

    I love you slightly more than I love dad.

    I love you slightly more than I love dad

  •  

    Babysitting your child is all the birth control I need.

    Babysitting your child is all the birth control I need.

  •  

    You're the man I want our children to spend their weekends with.

    You're the man I want our children to spend their weekends with.

  •  

    The NFL lockout is inspiring me to follow my dream of finding new ways to avoid spending time with my family.

    The NFL lockout is inspiring me to follow my dream of finding new ways to avoid spending time with my family.

  •  

    Mom, it takes zero effort to love you and a fifth of vodka to tolerate you.

    Mom, it takes zero effort to love you and a fifth of vodka to tolerate you.

  •  

    Sorry I received a disproportionate share of our parents' affection.

    Sorry I received a disproportionate share of our parents' affection.

  •  

    If I were a bird, I'd be the one who shows up right as they finish the nest.

    If I were a bird, I'd be the one who shows up right as they finish the nest.

  •  

    Let's go do something we can complain our future children never do anymore.

    Let's go do something we can complain our future children never do anymore.

  •  

    It's perfectly logical that you should pay my therapy bills.

    It's perfectly logical that you should pay my therapy bills

  •  

    Make yourself useful.

    Make yourself useful

  •  

    Your grandfather is messier than our toddler.

    Your grandfather is messier than our toddler

  •  

    Son, I've never been less ashamed of you.

    Son, I've never been less ashamed of you

  •  

    Our divorce isn't necessarily your fault.

    Our divorce isn't necessarily your fault

  •  

    Mom, it's time to find someone and settle down.

    Mom, it's time to find someone and settle down

  •  

    I still don't understand what you see in me, Mom.

    I still don't understand what you see in me, Mom

  •  

    Thanks for putting up with all my shit, Dad.

    Thanks for putting up with all my shit, Dad

  •  

    One of your other children did it.

    One of your other children did it

  •  

    Thanks for trying to understand what it is I do.

    Thanks for trying to understand what it is I do

DON'T MISS THIS