Thanks for not ditching me in a dumpster
I hope I never have to cut you from the team
I'll be the black sheep this week
Dad, our relationship means the world to my therapist
This family needs to start spending entirely too much time together
When I was your age, we had to dial to get online
Dad, you've always been like a father to me
Grandpop, let's get to know each other better before you get Alzheimer's
My parents will be here soon
Make yourself useful
Let's pit our children against each other
This is the perfect time to hear about my hidden trust fund
Your grandfather is messier than our toddler
Our divorce isn't necessarily your fault
I still don't understand what you see in me, Mom
One of your other children did it
You're the greatest weekend dad ever
You remind me of my real mom
Your side of the family has always been slightly less psychotic
I think third cousins is distant enough for fellatio
Lets enjoy the first days of spring watching college basketball in a windowless bar
I'm worried your complete ignorance of college basketball gives you a decided advantage in the office pool
It would be a tragic waste of talent if you didn't enter every conceivable spring break wet t-shirt contest
I can't wait to act like sluts in an environment where no one knows what sluts we are
I can't wait for you to meet my flavor-of-the-month boyfriend on the most important day of your life
Join me for a girls' night this Valentine's Day to celebrate our independence before we drunk text our exes and quietly sob ourselves to sleep
Let's temporarily avoid each other's blogs, tweets and Facebook updates so we have something to talk about on our date
This Gay Pride Month, let's dream of a day when New York and California are as progressive as Iowa and Maine
I love you slightly more than I love dad
