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    You won't be this cute forever.

    You won't be this cute forever

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    You're the man I want our children to spend their weekends with.

    You're the man I want our children to spend their weekends with.

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    The NFL lockout is inspiring me to follow my dream of finding new ways to avoid spending time with my family.

    The NFL lockout is inspiring me to follow my dream of finding new ways to avoid spending time with my family.

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    If I were a bird, I'd be the one who shows up right as they finish the nest.

    If I were a bird, I'd be the one who shows up right as they finish the nest.

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    Mom, it takes zero effort to love you and a fifth of vodka to tolerate you.

    Mom, it takes zero effort to love you and a fifth of vodka to tolerate you.

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    Babysitting your child is all the birth control I need.

    Babysitting your child is all the birth control I need.

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    Sorry I received a disproportionate share of our parents' affection.

    Sorry I received a disproportionate share of our parents' affection.

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    Let's go do something we can complain our future children never do anymore.

    Let's go do something we can complain our future children never do anymore.

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    Justin Bieber is like the little brother I never had the chance to repeatedly beat the crap out of.

    Justin Bieber is like the little brother I never had the chance to repeatedly beat the crap out of

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    This is the perfect time to hear about my hidden trust fund.

    This is the perfect time to hear about my hidden trust fund

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    Your grandfather is messier than our toddler.

    Your grandfather is messier than our toddler

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    Congratulations to Time magazine on making motherhood look more horrifying than reading Time magazine.

    Congratulations to Time magazine on making motherhood look more horrifying than reading Time magazine.

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    Our divorce isn't necessarily your fault.

    Our divorce isn't necessarily your fault

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    Dad, it's still hard to believe you're someone's father.

    Dad, it's still hard to believe you're someone's father

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    I still don't understand what you see in me, Mom.

    I still don't understand what you see in me, Mom

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    Welcome to the family.

    Welcome to the family

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    One of your other children did it.

    One of your other children did it

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    Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad.

    Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad.

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    You're the greatest weekend dad ever.

    You're the greatest weekend dad ever

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    I need your money for doing deplorable things with my shady friends.

    I need your money for doing deplorable things with my shady friends

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