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    A parent's only as good as their dumbest kid. If one wins a Nobel Prize but the other gets robbed by a hooker, you failed

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    You always got us. We're family. We ain't going anywhere. Unless you go on a fucking killing spree or something.

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    You're one of my favorite parents

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    Justin Bieber is like the little brother I never had the chance to repeatedly beat the shit out of

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    This is the perfect time to hear about my hidden trust fund

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    Your side of the family has always been slightly less psychotic

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    Thanks for always thinking about me to the detriment of your own mental health

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    Hell, I love every one of you wacky bastards

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    Dad's gay

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    We'll never be too cool for you, Mom

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    Thanks for not getting divorced

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    This family needs to start spending entirely too much time together

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    When I was your age, we had to dial to get online

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    Dad, you've always been like a father to me

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    Grandpop, let's get to know each other better before you get Alzheimer's

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    My parents will be here soon

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    Make yourself useful

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    Let's pit our children against each other

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    Your grandfather is messier than our toddler

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    Our divorce isn't necessarily your fault

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