When I was your age, we had to dial to get online
Let's grow something beautiful on top of your dead pet
It's so cute when the baby thinks it's going to steal attention from us
Your grandfather is messier than our toddler
I hope I never have to cut you from the team
Mom, it's time to find someone and settle down
Our child is going into the arts
I'm more than willing to buy your love
Let's pit our children against each other
Make yourself useful
I really doubt you'd understand my homework
Let's quickly find someone to impregnate you
I'll always be grateful that you didn't abort me
Welcome to the family
Thanks for not ditching me in a dumpster
Dad, it's still hard to believe you're someone's father
I love you slightly more than I love dad
I need your money for doing deplorable things with my shady friends
I'll be the black sheep this week
Thanks for always thinking about me to the detriment of your own mental health
I'm thankful for a holiday that doesn't require atonement or starvation
Let Thanksgiving be a reminder to start your holiday season bender
I have no Thanksgiving plans
I'd be happy to help wedge stale bread up the bird's asshole
On Canada Day, best of luck in not being mistaken for an American
My previous assumption that you were a little bit off has been totally cleared up now that I realize you're just Canadian
Independence Day reminds me how fortunate we are to live in a country that eschews violent street protests in favor of snarky blog commentary
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For all the love you've given me, I will one day pay your nursing home bill
Dad, you've always been like a father to me
It's wonderful seeing you in person as opposed to hearing you on the phone
Thanks for putting up with all my shit, Dad
Dad, our relationship means the world to my therapist
When I was your age, we had to dial to get online
Dad, it's still hard to believe you're someone's father
I love you slightly more than I love dad
I need your money for doing deplorable things with my shady friends
I'll be the black sheep this week