When I was your age, we had to dial to get online
Let's grow something beautiful on top of your dead pet
It's so cute when the baby thinks it's going to steal attention from us
Your grandfather is messier than our toddler
I hope I never have to cut you from the team
Mom, it's time to find someone and settle down
Our child is going into the arts
I'm more than willing to buy your love
Let's pit our children against each other
Make yourself useful
I really doubt you'd understand my homework
Let's quickly find someone to impregnate you
I'll always be grateful that you didn't abort me
Welcome to the family
Thanks for not ditching me in a dumpster
Dad, it's still hard to believe you're someone's father
I love you slightly more than I love dad
I need your money for doing deplorable things with my shady friends
I'll be the black sheep this week
Thanks for always thinking about me to the detriment of your own mental health
I'm starting a drunken brawl with the first person today who stereotypes the Irish
Save money this St. Patrick's Day by passing out as fast as humanly possible
Lets enjoy the first days of spring watching college basketball in a windowless bar
I'm worried your complete ignorance of college basketball gives you a decided advantage in the office pool
If there's anything you need, ask someone who's not afraid of getting sick
I can't believe how much I'm not sick of you
I hope the deadening predictability of married life doesn't have you considering the horrifying guilt of cheating
My previous assumption that you were a little bit off has been totally cleared up now that I realize you're just Canadian
Dad, you've always been like a father to me
Thanks for putting up with all my shit, Dad
I've started collating topics for dinner conversation
You're one of my favorite parents
