When I was your age, we had to dial to get online
Let's grow something beautiful on top of your dead pet
It's so cute when the baby thinks it's going to steal attention from us
Your grandfather is messier than our toddler
I hope I never have to cut you from the team
Mom, it's time to find someone and settle down
Our child is going into the arts
I'm more than willing to buy your love
Let's pit our children against each other
Make yourself useful
I really doubt you'd understand my homework
Let's quickly find someone to impregnate you
I'll always be grateful that you didn't abort me
Welcome to the family
Thanks for not ditching me in a dumpster
Dad, it's still hard to believe you're someone's father
I love you slightly more than I love dad
I need your money for doing deplorable things with my shady friends
I'll be the black sheep this week
Thanks for always thinking about me to the detriment of your own mental health
Congratulations to the Yankees on winning as many championships this decade as the Red Sox
Sorry Jimmy Rollins' prediction was off by a game and a team
This is the perfect day to wear your brand new Yankees hat
Thanks for doing what I'm way too big of a pussy to do
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When I was your age, we had to dial to get online
Dad, it's still hard to believe you're someone's father
I love you slightly more than I love dad
I need your money for doing deplorable things with my shady friends
I'll be the black sheep this week