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    A parent's only as good as their dumbest kid. If one wins a Nobel Prize but the other gets robbed by a hooker, you failed

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    You always got us. We're family. We ain't going anywhere. Unless you go on a fucking killing spree or something.

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    Justin Bieber is like the little brother I never had the chance to repeatedly beat the shit out of

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    When I was your age, we had to dial to get online

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    Let's grow something beautiful on top of your dead pet

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    It's so cute when the baby thinks it's going to steal attention from us

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    Your grandfather is messier than our toddler

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    I hope I never have to cut you from the team

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    Mom, it's time to find someone and settle down

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    Our child is going into the arts

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    I'm more than willing to buy your love

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    Let's pit our children against each other

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    Make yourself useful

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    I really doubt you'd understand my homework

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    Let's quickly find someone to impregnate you

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    I'll always be grateful that you didn't abort me

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    Welcome to the family

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    Thanks for not ditching me in a dumpster

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    Dad, it's still hard to believe you're someone's father

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    I love you slightly more than I love dad

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