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    Next time you're in town be sure to call me so I can be too busy to see you.

    Next time you're in town be sure to call me so I can be too busy to see you.

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    I probably wouldn't kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.

    I probably wouldn't kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.

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    We are really going to miss trying to avoid you around here.

    We are really going to miss trying to avoid you around here.

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    Sorry you have white guilt about going on a winter vacation to an island riddled with poverty.

    Sorry you have white guilt about going on a winter vacation to an island riddled with poverty.

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    Sorry the gynecologist will see more of my vagina this year than you will.

    Sorry the gynecologist will see more of my vagina this year than you will.

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    Just a reminder that I'm going on vacation and you're not.

    Just a reminder that I'm going on vacation and you're not.

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    I appreciate you acting like you are upset that I was the one who got laid off.

    I appreciate you acting like you are upset that I was the one who got laid off.

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    Have fun visiting an exotic international destination and interacting only with other American tourists.

    Have fun visiting an exotic international destination and interacting only with other American tourists

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    Unlike hurricanes and Republicans, I hope you're smart enough to avoid Florida in August.

    Unlike hurricanes and Republicans, I hope you're smart enough to avoid Florida in August.

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    May you spend less time stuck in an airport this summer than Edward Snowden did.

    May you spend less time stuck in an airport this summer than Edward Snowden did.

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    I hope you find time on your summer vacation to take breaks from posting photos of your summer vacation.

    I hope you find time on your summer vacation to take breaks from posting photos of your summer vacation.

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    Have a great time here while I'm on vacation.

    Have a great time here while I'm on vacation

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    Enjoy your vacation from work during the time of year no one will be doing any work.

    Enjoy your vacation from work during the time of year no one will be doing any work.

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    Have a great time in the place I can't remember you're traveling to.

    Have a great time in the place I can't remember you're traveling to

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    I probably won't even remember that you're away.

    I probably won't even remember that you're away

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    Let's visit every hot vacation spot we can get to on a half-tank of gas.

    Let's visit every hot vacation spot we can get to on a half-tank of gas

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    May you be less of an international embarrassment to America this summer than the cast of Jersey Shore.

    May you be less of an international embarrassment to America this summer than the cast of Jersey Shore

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    I promise to keep your Witness Protection Program whereabouts a secret.

    I promise to keep your Witness Protection Program whereabouts a secret

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    Enjoy your time off from doing nothing.

    Enjoy your time off from doing nothing

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    I can't decide between vacationing alone or staying home to relentlessly weep about being single.

    I can't decide between vacationing alone or staying home to relentlessly weep about being single

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