Dad, thanks for always helping me out financially so I can focus on being an independent woman
I love how we don't even need to say out loud that I'm your favorite child
Dad, thanks for not being involved in a nationwide cybersex scandal while mom was pregnant with me
Dad, thanks for struggling with your homosexuality long enough to sire me
Dad, you're going to love what a reputable retailer suggested I get you for Father's Day
Dad, I feel much closer to you now that fatherhood has devastated us both
Sorry I tricked you into taking me shopping on Father's Day
Thanks for teaching me how to get laid off like a man
Dad, it's still hard to believe you're someone's father
Dad, thanks for dating someone older than me during your mid-life crisis
I hope this blue-tinted Father's Day card helps make up for the fact that I wasn't a boy
Sorry I can only afford the same Father's Day gift I gave you when I was seven
Dad, thanks for giving me my first beer and paying for my first rehab
Happy Father's Day to a wonderful husband who no matter what having kids has done to my body still seems to want to nail me
This Father's Day, I'd like to treat you to some well-earned solitude
You're the best father I can imagine unless you lost my inheritance in the economic meltdown in which case I can imagine better
Dad, our relationship means the world to my therapist
Grandpop, just wanted to say how proud I am of you this Father's Day for surviving the digital TV changeover
Dad, just want you to know I'm still not above competing for your love
Please let me know in advance if you want to invite any secret love children to your Father's Day brunch