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    Sorry the only thing we have common is our dicks were in my mother at one time.

    Sorry the only thing we have common is our dicks were in my mother at one time.

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    Dad, thanks for being emotionally distant enough to not care about me forgetting it was Father's Day.

    Dad, thanks for being emotionally distant enough to not care about me forgetting it was Father's Day.

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    Happy belated Father's Day from someone who has clearly inherited your absent-mindedness.

    Happy belated Father's Day from someone who has clearly inherited your absent-mindedness.

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    Dad, the greatest Father's Day gift I can give is not subjecting you to an awkward phone call.

    Dad, the greatest Father's Day gift I can give is not subjecting you to an awkward phone call.

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    Dad, thanks for loving me almost as much as your legitimate offspring.

    Dad, thanks for loving me almost as much as your legitimate offspring.

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    Here's to Kanye West for making every other dad look like slightly less of an asshole this Father's Day.

    Here's to Kanye West for making every other dad look like slightly less of an asshole this Father's Day.

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    Thanks for being one of the only dads who won't be confused by me wishing you Happy Father's Day on Facebook.

    Thanks for being one of the only dads who won't be confused by me wishing you Happy Father's Day on Facebook.

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    Please accept this Father's Day card as a token of my poverty.

    Please accept this Father's Day card as a token of my poverty.

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    I never knew my father, but I'm sure he'd be proud of me also being a deadbeat dad.

    I never knew my father, but I'm sure he'd be proud of me also being a deadbeat dad.

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    Dad, thanks for doing a terrible job of hiding your porn collection from me.

    Dad, thanks for doing a terrible job of hiding your porn collection from me.

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    Happy Father's Day to a stepdad whose disappointment in me is so genuine it feels biological.

    Happy Father's Day to a stepdad whose disappointment in me is so genuine it feels biological.

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    Dad, I love you even more than I hate expressing my emotions towards other men.

    Dad, I love you even more than I hate expressing my emotions towards other men.

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    Dad, thanks for having me before the Internet could ruin my childhood.

    Dad, thanks for having me before the Internet could ruin my childhood.

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    May Father's Day be a glaring reminder of your need to start using condoms.

    May Father's Day be a glaring reminder of your need to start using condoms.

  •  

    Happy Father's Day to someone who inexplicably loves signing his name in each of his text messages.

    Happy Father's Day to someone who inexplicably loves signing his name in each of his text messages.

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    Happy Father's Day to someone who I'm pretty sure became a dad on purpose.

    Happy Father's Day to someone who I'm pretty sure became a dad on purpose.

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    Happy Father's Day to the parent who lets me do whatever the hell I want.

    Happy Father's Day to the parent who lets me do whatever the hell I want.

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    Dad, one day I hope to fulfill your dream of never having children.

    Dad, one day I hope to fulfill your dream of never having children.

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    Happy Father's Day to a grandfather who has stoically accepted multiple generations of disappointment.

    Happy Father's Day to a grandfather who has stoically accepted multiple generations of disappointment.

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    Happy Father's Day to my second least embarrassing parent on Facebook.

    Happy Father's Day to my second least embarrassing parent on Facebook.

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