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    The only thing I want for Father's Day is to not be a father for a day.

    The only thing I want for Father's Day is to not be a father for a day.

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    Thanks for making it so easy to get you a Father's Day gift due to your psychotic love of golf.

    Thanks for making it so easy to get you a Father's Day gift due to your psychotic love of golf.

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    I love how we don't even need to say out loud that I'm your favorite child.

    I love how we don't even need to say out loud that I'm your favorite child

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    Happy Father's Day to the only person on the planet still willing to employ me.

    Happy Father's Day to the only person on the planet still willing to employ me

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    Dad, thanks for joining a different dating website than me.

    Dad, thanks for joining a different dating website than me

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    Thanks for being the kind of open-minded father who disapproves of me regardless of my sexual orientation.

    Thanks for being the kind of open-minded father who disapproves of me regardless of my sexual orientation

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    Dad, thanks for not being involved in a nationwide cybersex scandal while mom was pregnant with me.

    Dad, thanks for not being involved in a nationwide cybersex scandal while mom was pregnant with me

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    Happy Father's Day to the top three most likely candidates.

    Happy Father's Day to the top three most likely candidates.

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    Please let me know in advance if you want to invite any secret love children to your Father's Day brunch.

    Please let me know in advance if you want to invite any secret love children to your Father's Day brunch

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    Dad, it appears your lifelong theory about the world going to hell was dead-on.

    Dad, it appears your lifelong theory about the world going to hell was dead-on

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    Dad, sorry the cute things I did as a kid couldn't be shamelessly exploited on YouTube or a reality show.

    Dad, sorry the cute things I did as a kid couldn't be shamelessly exploited on YouTube or a reality show

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    Dad, I'd love to spend Father's Day hearing why you think soccer is for pussies.

    Dad, I'd love to spend Father's Day hearing why you think soccer is for pussies

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    You're going to be a great father someday by accident.

    You're going to be a great father someday by accident

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    You're the best father I can imagine unless you lost my inheritance in the economic meltdown in which case I can imagine better.

    You're the best father I can imagine unless you lost my inheritance in the economic meltdown in which case I can imagine better

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    Happy Father's Day to a wonderful husband who no matter what having kids has done to my body still seems to want to nail me.

    Happy Father's Day to a wonderful husband who no matter what having kids has done to my body still seems to want to nail me

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    Sorry I can only afford the same Father's Day gift I gave you when I was seven.

    Sorry I can only afford the same Father's Day gift I gave you when I was seven

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    Dad, thanks for dating someone older than me during your mid-life crisis.

    Dad, thanks for dating someone older than me during your mid-life crisis

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    Thanks for teaching me how to get laid off like a man.

    Thanks for teaching me how to get laid off like a man

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    Happy Father's Day in advance to someone who may be mature enough to have children by age 62.

    Happy Father's Day in advance to someone who may be mature enough to have children by age 62

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    Happy Father's Day to a grandfather I hope to fool into believing I've visited since last Father's Day.

    Happy Father's Day to a grandfather I hope to fool into believing I've visited since last Father's Day

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