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    I can't decide if you are fabulous in bed or if I just give really good directions.

    I can't decide if you are fabulous in bed or if I just give really good directions.

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    The overwhelming amount of times you've been unfaithful during our relationship only confirms my suspicion that you're hot.

    The overwhelming amount of times you've been unfaithful during our relationship only confirms my suspicion that you're hot.

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    When I'm seeing double, you're twice as hot.

    When I'm seeing double, you're twice as hot.

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    If our genitals could use the telephone, my penis would be cold calling your vagina everyday during dinner.

    If our genitals could use the telephone, my penis would be cold calling your vagina everyday during dinner.

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    I want to not fall in love with you all over again.

    I want to not fall in love with you all over again.

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    Let's make love like there is a North Korean long-range missile headed straight towards us.

    Let's make love like there is a North Korean long-range missile headed straight towards us.

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    I wish you'd given me herpes so I'd have a reason not to miss you this much.

    I wish you'd given me herpes so I'd have a reason not to miss you this much.

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    If we lived under the Taliban, I would lift up my burka so you could see my ankles.

    If we lived under the Taliban, I would lift up my burka so you could see my ankles.

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    I know you're the one because the smell of your vagina doesn't make me gag.

    I know you're the one because the smell of your vagina doesn't make me gag.

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    I'll stay with you through thick and thin, but preferably thin.

    I'll stay with you through thick and thin, but preferably thin.

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    I'm gonna click your brains out.

    I'm gonna click your brains out.

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    I love everything about the person I'm changing you into.

    I love everything about the person I'm changing you into.

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    If you don't mind people you don't know following you, I suggest either joining Twitter or giving me your daily schedule.

    If you don't mind people you don't know following you, I suggest either joining Twitter or giving me your daily schedule.

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    I'd go back into the closet for you.

    I'd go back into the closet for you.

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    I just wanted you to know before our first date, that I have been banned from going to the zoo.

    I just wanted you to know before our first date, that I have been banned from going to the zoo.

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    From the first time I saw you I knew I was going to have real and/or imaginary sex with you.

    From the first time I saw you I knew I was going to have real and/or imaginary sex with you.

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    You're rapidly replacing porn as the reason I get on the internet.

    You're rapidly replacing porn as the reason I get on the internet.

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    Let's drag out this excruciatingly ill-fated romance until there isn't even a remote possibility of salvaging a friendship.

    Let's drag out this excruciatingly ill-fated romance until there isn't even a remote possibility of salvaging a friendship.

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    Having the same STD is a sign we should be together.

    Having the same STD is a sign we should be together.

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    I am so proud to be the focal point of your mid-life crisis.

    I am so proud to be the focal point of your mid-life crisis.

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