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    I am so proud to be the focal point of your mid-life crisis.

    I am so proud to be the focal point of your mid-life crisis.

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    I wish you'd given me herpes so I'd have a reason not to miss you this much.

    I wish you'd given me herpes so I'd have a reason not to miss you this much.

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    If we lived under the Taliban, I would lift up my burka so you could see my ankles.

    If we lived under the Taliban, I would lift up my burka so you could see my ankles.

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    I will love you until I forget who you are.

    I will love you until I forget who you are.

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    I'm prepared to live in sin if you're prepared to live in filth.

    I'm prepared to live in sin if you're prepared to live in filth.

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    I would happily drill you with all the reckless abandon of a multi-billion dollar oil company.

    I would happily drill you with all the reckless abandon of a multi-billion dollar oil company.

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    I think I've swallowed enough of your DNA to be considered Jewish.

    I think I've swallowed enough of your DNA to be considered Jewish.

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    You make me want to be a better liar.

    You make me want to be a better liar.

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    I am not the type of gentleman that requests oral sex before committing acts of arson.

    I am not the type of gentleman that requests oral sex before committing acts of arson.

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    I don't think you're as committed to this adulterous affair as I am.

    I don't think you're as committed to this adulterous affair as I am.

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    You make me want to write bad poetry.

    You make me want to write bad poetry.

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    I'm on my way to your house and I feel like it's about time to confess I look nothing like the pictures I sent.

    I'm on my way to your house and I feel like it's about time to confess I look nothing like the pictures I sent.

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    I can't wait to meet you in a well lit, busy location.

    I can't wait to meet you in a well lit, busy location.

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    You're the woman I want to spend my life with today.

    You're the woman I want to spend my life with today.

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    Thank you for validating our one-night stand by adding me on Facebook.

    Thank you for validating our one-night stand by adding me on Facebook.

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    You make me wish I had an extra penis.

    You make me wish I had an extra penis.

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    I only unfriended you for the refriend sex.

    I only unfriended you for the refriend sex.

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    I know you're the one because the smell of your vagina doesn't make me gag.

    I know you're the one because the smell of your vagina doesn't make me gag.

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    I'll stay with you through thick and thin, but preferably thin.

    I'll stay with you through thick and thin, but preferably thin.

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    I love everything about the person I'm changing you into.

    I love everything about the person I'm changing you into.

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