I can't wait to see which one of us looks the least like our profile pictures
I like you enough to take you out for a meal I can't expense
I wish you'd appear in my bed as often as you appear in my News Feed
A message from the dude you hooked up with recently (Eugene Mirman)
My self-esteem comes from not responding to people who contact me on dating sites
Let me know if you're interested in dating a terrible cook who overcompensates in bed
I promise to fantasize it's you who's manhandling me during the new pre-flight pat-downs
I want you to sext me with the reckless abandon of a philandering golf legend
I'm comfortable dating a woman who makes more money than the amount of my unemployment checks
Let's safeguard ourselves against swine flu by only doing it doggie style
I'd be much more inclined to sleep with you if you were a Trending Topic on Twitter
Just because I got naked on our first date doesn't mean I'll ever let you see me in a bathing suit
I hope sleeping with you isn't ruined by pitying you for sleeping with me
If it's too soon after your divorce to ask you out, please revisit this ecard tomorrow
