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    We're total fucking bad asses.

    We're total fucking bad asses

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    We'll be best friends forever because you already know too much.

    We'll be best friends forever because you already know too much.

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    I'm glad we share a sense of humor and an understanding that I'm slightly funnier.

    I'm glad we share a sense of humor and an understanding that I'm slightly funnier

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    I will be your friend no matter what you put inside your anus.

    I will be your friend no matter what you put inside your anus

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    As someone perpetually flailing in my own relationships, allow me to offer some advice on your relationship.

    As someone perpetually flailing in my own relationships, allow me to offer some advice on your relationship

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    Let's talk soon because I miss you hearing the sound of my voice.

    Let's talk soon because I miss you hearing the sound of my voice

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    It's been too long since we threw up on each other.

    It's been too long since we threw up on each other

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    You're the friend I'd feel the worst about killing in a post-apocalyptic death match for food.

    You're the friend I'd feel the worst about killing in a post-apocalyptic death match for food

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    We hate all the same people.

    We hate all the same people

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    I have something extremely unimportant to tell you ASAP.

    I have something extremely unimportant to tell you ASAP

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    I'd like to discuss your drinking problem over cocktails.

    I'd like to discuss your drinking problem over cocktails.

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    This just in: Jesus loves you but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.

    This just in: Jesus loves you but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.

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    If you ever disappeared while hiking, I'd remain with the search party until it started raining.

    If you ever disappeared while hiking, I'd remain with the search party until it started raining

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    I'd appreciate it if once in a while you took time from your busy schedule to call and find out that I am too busy to talk.

    I'd appreciate it if once in a while you took time from your busy schedule to call and find out that I am too busy to talk.

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    Our effortless friendship fits perfectly with my laziness.

    Our effortless friendship fits perfectly with my laziness

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    I'd love to share a meal with you sometime.

    I'd love to share a meal with you sometime

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    It's not brunch with the girls unless one of us is in the clothes from the night before.

    It's not brunch with the girls unless one of us is in the clothes from the night before

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    I appreciate your friendship so much that if we ever got into a fist fight I'd totally try my best to avoid your face.

    I appreciate your friendship so much that if we ever got into a fist fight I'd totally try my best to avoid your face.

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    If ever you die from auto-erotic asphyxiation I promise to rearrange your corpse before it's discovered by your loved ones.

    If ever you die from auto-erotic asphyxiation I promise to rearrange your corpse before it's discovered by your loved ones.

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    I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I'm the person to do that job.

    I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I'm the person to do that job.

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