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    I’m deactivating my Facebook account so I can spend more time judging my friends in person.

    I’m deactivating my Facebook account so I can spend more time judging my friends in person.

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    I have something totally irrelevant I need to discuss with you.

    I have something totally irrelevant I need to discuss with you.

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    You're the friend I trust most to keep my secrets an hour or two longer than anyone else.

    You're the friend I trust most to keep my secrets an hour or two longer than anyone else.

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    It's so comforting to know I have a friend to share the same mental health issues with.

    It's so comforting to know I have a friend to share the same mental health issues with.

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    I'm sorry I wasn't there for you like you weren't there for me.

    I'm sorry I wasn't there for you like you weren't there for me.

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    Let's not spoil our great sex with friendship.

    Let's not spoil our great sex with friendship.

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    Whenever you're feeling lonely, I'll always be there for you unless I'm out doing something fabulous with my awesome boyfriend.

    Whenever you're feeling lonely, I'll always be there for you unless I'm out doing something fabulous with my awesome boyfriend.

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    Fortunately, your obsessive need to tell me all your problems is matched by my obsessive need to offer useless advice.

    Fortunately, your obsessive need to tell me all your problems is matched by my obsessive need to offer useless advice.

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    I'm always here for you if you need someone to not care what you're talking about.

    I'm always here for you if you need someone to not care what you're talking about.

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    I'd give you the shirt off my back if I wasn't afraid to take off my shirt.

    I'd give you the shirt off my back if I wasn't afraid to take off my shirt.

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    You're the type of horrible, gossipy bitch I'd like to invite to be my new best friend.

    You're the type of horrible, gossipy bitch I'd like to invite to be my new best friend.

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    Thanks for being my emergency contact for as long as I am hopelessly single.

    Thanks for being my emergency contact for as long as I am hopelessly single.

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    If you have a problem with me, I'd really rather you talk behind my back like a normal person.

    If you have a problem with me, I'd really rather you talk behind my back like a normal person.

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    You have a lot of Facebook friends for someone with no friends.

    You have a lot of Facebook friends for someone with no friends.

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    Let's stay out of touch more often.

    Let's stay out of touch more often.

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    I just want to confirm that you've definitely been telling everyone that thing I told you not to tell anyone.

    I just want to confirm that you've definitely been telling everyone that thing I told you not to tell anyone.

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    The highlight of our friendship was you unfriending me.

    The highlight of our friendship was you unfriending me.

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    I hope your recent bout of happiness doesn't ruin our perfectly good, mutually beneficial relationship built on complaining.

    I hope your recent bout of happiness doesn't ruin our perfectly good, mutually beneficial relationship built on complaining.

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    I would delete you off of my facebook friends list, but then you wouldn't be able to see all the fun things I do without you.

    I would delete you off of my facebook friends list, but then you wouldn't be able to see all the fun things I do without you.

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    We are at that point in our friendship where you should realize that we don't have one.

    We are at that point in our friendship where you should realize that we don't have one.

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