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    I will be by your side if you ever get a horrendous form of cancer.

    I will be by your side if you ever get a horrendous form of cancer

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    It's not brunch with the girls unless one of us is in the clothes from the night before.

    It's not brunch with the girls unless one of us is in the clothes from the night before

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    Let me know if you want to talk about that extremely sensitive thing I'm not supposed to know about.

    Let me know if you want to talk about that extremely sensitive thing I'm not supposed to know about.

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    You're one of the few Facebook friends I didn't add begrudgingly.

    You're one of the few Facebook friends I didn't add begrudgingly

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    If anything happens, you'll be the first, second, or third to know.

    If anything happens, you'll be the first, second, or third to know

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    You remind me of Facebook's privacy settings in that you don't seem to mind telling people everything you know about me.

    You remind me of Facebook's privacy settings in that you don't seem to mind telling people everything you know about me

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    You'd merit very kind words in my suicide note.

    You'd merit very kind words in my suicide note

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    I'll feel slightly better about myself if you hit it off with an acquaintance of mine.

    I'll feel slightly better about myself if you hit it off with an acquaintance of mine

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    Just because I rarely bother to return your calls and emails doesn't mean I don't consider you a close friend.

    Just because I rarely bother to return your calls and emails doesn't mean I don't consider you a close friend.

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    I promise I'll never hide my identity if I run a blog that calls you a skank.

    I promise I'll never hide my identity if I run a blog that calls you a skank

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    You're the Oates to my Hall.

    You're the Oates to my Hall

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    Seeing Anthony Weiner's dangling genitals reminded me that we haven't hung out in a while.

    Seeing Anthony Weiner's dangling genitals reminded me that we haven't hung out in a while.

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    I have the perfect guy for you.

    I have the perfect guy for you

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    I think our comfortable silence scares others.

    I think our comfortable silence scares others

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    I'd never demand to see your birth certificate since I already know you're lying about your age.

    I'd never demand to see your birth certificate since I already know you're lying about your age

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    I'll never unsubscribe from your repellent spam list.

    I'll never unsubscribe from your repellent spam list

  •  

    So I guess you think you're better than me.

    So I guess you think you're better than me

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    I can't believe you haven't seen a movie or TV show I think you should have seen.

    I can't believe you haven't seen a movie or TV show I think you should have seen

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    Our high school reunion may be a hard place for you to lie about when you graduated high school.

    Our high school reunion may be a hard place for you to lie about when you graduated high school

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    We'll always have booze in common.

    We'll always have booze in common

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