•  

    It's not brunch with the girls unless one of us is in the clothes from the night before.

    It's not brunch with the girls unless one of us is in the clothes from the night before

  •  

    I wish I could flag your life as inappropriate.

    I wish I could flag your life as inappropriate.

  •  

    I'd like to discuss your drinking problem over cocktails.

    I'd like to discuss your drinking problem over cocktails.

  •  

    I promise to never scroll past 2010 in your timeline.

    I promise to never scroll past 2010 in your timeline.

  •  

    I appreciate your friendship so much that if we ever got into a fist fight I'd totally try my best to avoid your face.

    I appreciate your friendship so much that if we ever got into a fist fight I'd totally try my best to avoid your face.

  •  

    I know you'll always be there for me when you finally get around to calling me back.

    I know you'll always be there for me when you finally get around to calling me back

  •  

    Your reluctance to put me in a Google Plus circle makes me question our Facebook friendship.

    Your reluctance to put me in a Google Plus circle makes me question our Facebook friendship

  •  

    Let's remember to never admit we've blocked each other on Facebook.

    Let's remember to never admit we've blocked each other on Facebook.

  •  

    You're the Rain Man of digits under 10.

    You're the Rain Man of digits under 10.

  •  

    This just in: Jesus loves you but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.

    This just in: Jesus loves you but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.

  •  

    I'd never demand to see your birth certificate since I already know you're lying about your age.

    I'd never demand to see your birth certificate since I already know you're lying about your age

  •  

    Life would be the same without you.

    Life would be the same without you.

  •  

    Sorry I brought cheap beer to your party, then drank all your expensive beer.

    Sorry I brought cheap beer to your party, then drank all your expensive beer.

  •  

    Your gracious hospitality perfectly suits my willingness to mooch.

    Your gracious hospitality perfectly suits my willingness to mooch.

  •  

    Sorry nobody chose your Prius key fob with the attached grocery discount card at our Key Party.

    Sorry nobody chose your Prius key fob with the attached grocery discount card at our Key Party.

  •  

    Thanks for being the drug dealer who puts the least amount of corn starch in my coke.

    Thanks for being the drug dealer who puts the least amount of corn starch in my coke.

  •  

    Just an FYI that you made it through my spring cleaning of Facebook friends.

    Just an FYI that you made it through my spring cleaning of Facebook friends

  •  

    I would like you a lot more if social media didn't keep me in touch with all your stupid thoughts.

    I would like you a lot more if social media didn't keep me in touch with all your stupid thoughts.

  •  

    I'll always be there when I need you.

    I'll always be there when I need you.

  •  

    I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I'm the person to do that job.

    I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I'm the person to do that job.

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