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    As someone perpetually flailing in my own relationships, allow me to offer some advice on your relationship.

    As someone perpetually flailing in my own relationships, allow me to offer some advice on your relationship

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    I'm concerned your choice in alcoholic beverages is now based on calorie count rather than intoxication efficiency.

    I'm concerned your choice in alcoholic beverages is now based on calorie count rather than intoxication efficiency

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    If you're ever worried about what people think of you, remember they probably don't think of you at all.

    If you're ever worried about what people think of you, remember they probably don't think of you at all.

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    I promise I'll never hide my identity if I run a blog that calls you a skank.

    I promise I'll never hide my identity if I run a blog that calls you a skank

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    I'm glad we locked down our friendship during childhood since meeting each other today would be a disaster.

    I'm glad we locked down our friendship during childhood since meeting each other today would be a disaster

  •  

    I swear your mom and I are just Facebook friends.

    I swear your mom and I are just Facebook friends

  •  

    I'm trusting you to tell me when it's no longer acceptable to blast Thriller from my car stereo.

    I'm trusting you to tell me when it's no longer acceptable to blast Thriller from my car stereo

  •  

    I'm willing to overlook your obvious mental instabilities for your admirable efforts to conceal them.

    I'm willing to overlook your obvious mental instabilities for your admirable efforts to conceal them.

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    I know it secretly irritates the hell out of you that God loves me just as much as he loves you.

    I know it secretly irritates the hell out of you that God loves me just as much as he loves you.

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    I assume it's understood you'll one day be my best man despite our inability to ever broach the subject.

    I assume it's understood you'll one day be my best man despite our inability to ever broach the subject

  •  

    I think it's cute when you think you're well enough to stop taking your medication.

    I think it's cute when you think you're well enough to stop taking your medication.

  •  

    I am just going to keep calling and texting you until you understand how normal I am.

    I am just going to keep calling and texting you until you understand how normal I am.

  •  

    No one but a member of the opposite sex could get in the way of our friendship.

    No one but a member of the opposite sex could get in the way of our friendship.

  •  

    I think you're taking our Facebook friend competition a little too seriously.

    I think you're taking our Facebook friend competition a little too seriously

  •  

    If the economy forces me to have a roommate, you're among the least annoying candidates.

    If the economy forces me to have a roommate, you're among the least annoying candidates

  •  

    You should start thinking about a career for after you lose your looks and your husband leaves you.

    You should start thinking about a career for after you lose your looks and your husband leaves you.

  •  

    Id like to expand our definition of friends with benefits to include health insurance.

    Id like to expand our definition of friends with benefits to include health insurance

  •  

    Downloading your CD collection onto my iPod is the closest I've been to intimacy in quite some time.

    Downloading your CD collection onto my iPod is the closest I've been to intimacy in quite some time.

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    You're the first person I'd call after a relapse.

    You're the first person I'd call after a relapse

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    I'd like to begin the awkward climb towards our former friendship before I confessed my love for you.

    I'd like to begin the awkward climb towards our former friendship before I confessed my love for you

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