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    I'd like to apply for a refund on my college education.

    I'd like to apply for a refund on my college education

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    Even though you're now highly educated, don't dismiss the advantage of dressing a little slutty for job interviews.

    Even though you're now highly educated, don't dismiss the advantage of dressing a little slutty for job interviews

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    This finals week, let's try not to accidentally learn what these horrible stimulants are doing to our bodies.

    This finals week, let's try not to accidentally learn what these horrible stimulants are doing to our bodies

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    Your GPA will open many doors for you.

    Your GPA will open many doors for you

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    If you're feeling stressed about finals, just remember that corporate America doesn't even care if you graduate.

    If you're feeling stressed about finals, just remember that corporate America doesn't even care if you graduate

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    Studying for finals is great training for a lifetime of working hard at something you don't care about.

    Studying for finals is great training for a lifetime of working hard at something you don't care about

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    I admire your relentless drive to further your education and avoid real work.

    I admire your relentless drive to further your education and avoid real work

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    I hope you find a job that pays you enough to drive to your job.

    I hope you find a job that pays you enough to drive to your job

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    I can't wait to hear your name horribly mispronounced at graduation.

    I can't wait to hear your name horribly mispronounced at graduation

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    For a quick and relaxing study break, I suggest screwing me in the stacks.

    For a quick and relaxing study break, I suggest screwing me in the stacks

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    Just wanted to congratulate myself on sitting through your graduation ceremony.

    Just wanted to congratulate myself on sitting through your graduation ceremony

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    Congratulations on getting through the easiest part of life.

    Congratulations on getting through the easiest part of life

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    Congratulations on getting through college without getting pregnant.

    Congratulations on getting through college without getting pregnant

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    May your finals be as easy as you are.

    May your finals be as easy as you are

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    Today marks the last day it's remotely appropriate for us to nail high school girls.

    Today marks the last day it's remotely appropriate for us to nail high school girls

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    Good luck finding shameful entry-level employment.

    Good luck finding shameful entry-level employment

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    Congratulations on graduating from a school that didn't ask Snooki to be its commencement speaker.

    Congratulations on graduating from a school that didn't ask Snooki to be its commencement speaker

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    My deepest condolences on your graduation.

    My deepest condolences on your graduation

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    Your graduation is merely the starting point of me watching you get fat and bald on Facebook.

    Your graduation is merely the starting point of me watching you get fat and bald on Facebook

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    Let's promise we'll always stay close friends but ultimately settle for periodic glances at each other's Facebook status updates.

    Let's promise we'll always stay close friends but ultimately settle for periodic glances at each other's Facebook status updates

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