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    Rest assured my Halloween party will be much less scary and disturbing than a baby shower.

    Rest assured my Halloween party will be much less scary and disturbing than a baby shower.

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    Truly Terrifying Jack O' Lantern: No internet.

    Truly Terrifying Jack O' Lantern: No internet.

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    Happy Halloween to someone I trust not to leave me for dead during a zombie apocalypse.

    Happy Halloween to someone I trust not to leave me for dead during a zombie apocalypse

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    I love you enough to be seen in public wearing matching Halloween costumes.

    I love you enough to be seen in public wearing matching Halloween costumes

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    If you need me to work late on Mischief Night, I'll just need to make sure I can leave in time to throw eggs at your house.

    If you need me to work late on Mischief Night, I'll just need to make sure I can leave in time to throw eggs at your house.

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    In the interest of fighting the childhood obesity epidemic, I've decided to eat all the Halloween candy I bought.

    In the interest of fighting the childhood obesity epidemic, I've decided to eat all the Halloween candy I bought

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    Truly Terrifying Jack O' Lantern: Mistaken reply to all.

    Truly Terrifying Jack O' Lantern: Mistaken reply to all.

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    May a flaming bag of feces not appear in your doorway this Mischief Night.

    May a flaming bag of feces not appear in your doorway this Mischief Night.

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    The scariest part of Halloween is the people who work at Halloween stores.

    The scariest part of Halloween is the people who work at Halloween stores.

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    Happy Flagrant Office Dress Code Violations Day.

    Happy Flagrant Office Dress Code Violations Day.

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    Truly Terrifying Jack O' Lantern: Let's go dancing.

    Truly Terrifying Jack O' Lantern: Let's go dancing.

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    May your choice for a Halloween costume be less terrible than your choice for president.

    May your choice for a Halloween costume be less terrible than your choice for president.

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    We'd be soulmates even if we no longer had souls.

    We'd be soulmates even if we no longer had souls.

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    You scare me.

    You scare me

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    Participating in a couples costume should give me plenty to talk about in couples therapy.

    Participating in a couples costume should give me plenty to talk about in couples therapy.

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    Dressing as an iPhone 5 this Halloween may help you look slimmer.

    Dressing as an iPhone 5 this Halloween may help you look slimmer.

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    Let's go as Kim and Kanye this Halloween if the wedding hasn't been called off by then.

    Let's go as Kim and Kanye this Halloween if the wedding hasn't been called off by then.

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    May your Lena Dunham costume consist of at least one article of clothing.

    May your Lena Dunham costume consist of at least one article of clothing.

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    Happy birthday and Halloween to someone I assume is dressing up as someone younger.

    Happy birthday and Halloween to someone I assume is dressing up as someone younger

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    Let's dress as opposing political parties this Halloween and end the night with some hate-sex.

    Let's dress as opposing political parties this Halloween and end the night with some hate-sex.

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