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    May your Halloween be scarier than what's actually going on with our country.

    May your Halloween be scarier than what's actually going on with our country.

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    Happy birthday and Halloween to someone I assume is dressing up as someone younger.

    Happy birthday and Halloween to someone I assume is dressing up as someone younger

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    Best of luck choosing a costume that's not too clever for anyone to understand.

    Best of luck choosing a costume that's not too clever for anyone to understand

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    In the interest of fighting the childhood obesity epidemic, I've decided to eat all the Halloween candy I bought.

    In the interest of fighting the childhood obesity epidemic, I've decided to eat all the Halloween candy I bought

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    Truly Terrifying Jack O' Lantern: No internet.

    Truly Terrifying Jack O' Lantern: No internet.

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    I can't decide this Halloween whether to go as a slutty witch, a slutty nurse, a slutty schoolgirl, or just a total slut.

    I can't decide this Halloween whether to go as a slutty witch, a slutty nurse, a slutty schoolgirl, or just a total slut

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    Truly Terrifying Jack O' Lantern: Ikea instructions.

    Truly Terrifying Jack O' Lantern: Ikea instructions.

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    Truly Terrifying Jack O' Lantern: Bathroom Scale.

    Truly Terrifying Jack O' Lantern: Bathroom Scale.

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    The scariest part of Halloween is the people who work at Halloween stores.

    The scariest part of Halloween is the people who work at Halloween stores.

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    Your Halloween costume has a better attention to detail than anything else you've done in this office.

    Your Halloween costume has a better attention to detail than anything else you've done in this office.

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    Truly Terrifying Jack O' Lantern: We Need To Talk.

    Truly Terrifying Jack O' Lantern: We Need To Talk.

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    May your choice for a Halloween costume be less terrible than your choice for president.

    May your choice for a Halloween costume be less terrible than your choice for president.

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    We'd be soulmates even if we no longer had souls.

    We'd be soulmates even if we no longer had souls.

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    You scare me.

    You scare me

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    You should go this Halloween as Don Draper, then Charlie Sheen, and finally David Hasselhoff.

    You should go this Halloween as Don Draper, then Charlie Sheen, and finally David Hasselhoff

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    Dressing as an iPhone 5 this Halloween may help you look slimmer.

    Dressing as an iPhone 5 this Halloween may help you look slimmer.

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    Your costume sounds annoyingly similar to mine.

    Your costume sounds annoyingly similar to mine

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    May your Lena Dunham costume consist of at least one article of clothing.

    May your Lena Dunham costume consist of at least one article of clothing.

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    Fake spider webs are a great way to distract people from your real bedbugs.

    Fake spider webs are a great way to distract people from your real bedbugs

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    Let's dress as opposing political parties this Halloween and end the night with some hate-sex.

    Let's dress as opposing political parties this Halloween and end the night with some hate-sex.

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