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On this first day of Hanukkah, I wanted you to know that I know it's the first day of Hanukkah

Let's pretend we're having as much holiday fun as Christians

Allow me to summarize the heroic Jewish uprising against the banning of our religion by mumbling a prayer written in phonetic Hebrew

Let's celebrate an eight-day miracle in one half-assed evening

Happy Hanukkah to a Jew who celebrates Christmas

Let's light menorahs to commemorate an eight-day miracle and because we can barely afford our electric bill

Sorry the closest your holiday comes to a spiritual figurehead is Adam Sandler

Don't forget to purchase token Hanukkah decorations so your holiday party doesn't seem racist

Have a happy Hanukkah if you can figure out when it is

Gelt talks

May all your Hanukkah wishes come true even though you're half a Jew

I want a Christmas tree for Hanukkah

Have a happy Hanukkah, Hannukkah, Chanukkah, or however the fuck you spell it

I cheat at dreidel

I'm Jewish today

Have a good whatever Jewish holiday it is

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