


On this first day of Hanukkah, I wanted you to know that I know it's the first day of Hanukkah

Let's pretend we're having as much holiday fun as Christians

Let's celebrate an eight-day miracle in one half-assed evening

Sorry the closest your holiday comes to a spiritual figurehead is Adam Sandler

Don't forget to purchase token Hanukkah decorations so your holiday party doesn't seem racist

May all your Hanukkah wishes come true even though you're half a Jew

Have a happy Hanukkah, Hannukkah, Chanukkah, or however the fuck you spell it