Happy Thanksgiving to someone as ungrateful as me
This Thanksgiving, cherish the time spent with your family as a reminder of why you moved very far away from your family
I can't wait for this year's Thanksgiving because I'll finally not be the only child begging for money
Let's be thankful Jews aren't being blamed for the crumbling economy
I can't wait to go home for Thanksgiving now that my relatives' political opinions have been rendered irrelevant
I'd be totally into your invitation to go Christmas caroling if it wasn't for my aversion to singing in public, spreading cheer, and freezing my tits off
My holiday gift to you is not obliterating your life savings in a $50 billion Ponzi scheme
Let's hope the kids are stupid enough to believe Santa bought them this year's budget-conscious, crappy gifts
I need a gift for my boss that strikes a balance between thank you for guiding me through my career and fuck you for still not paying me enough
I hope being at your parent's house this holiday break doesn't drive you nuts since you may be living there soon
Allow me to summarize the heroic Jewish uprising against the banning of our religion by mumbling a prayer written in phonetic Hebrew
Let's celebrate an eight-day miracle in one half-assed evening
Happy Hanukkah to a Jew who celebrates Christmas
Let's light menorahs to commemorate an eight-day miracle and because we can barely afford our electric bill
Sorry the closest your holiday comes to a spiritual figurehead is Adam Sandler
Just wondering if we still need a separate holiday now that there's going to be a black guy running the country
Happy Hanukkah and Kwanzaa to the only black Jew I've ever met
I'm memorizing the seven principles of Kwanzaa to see if it will help me finally score with a black chick
The more confusing we make Kwanzaa sound, the more expensive the gifts we can potentially wring out of white people
I hope your Kwanzaa is filled with people not asking what Kwanzaa is
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May you live twice as long as Michael Jackson and be half as creepy
Happy birthday to one of the few people whose birthday I can remember without a Facebook reminder
I'd consider going out tonight if I wasn't so tired from thinking about how to get out of going out tonight
May you live long enough to shit yourself
[Video Card] Birthday confusion (Michael Showalter)
Sorry my Web browser history scared you
Sorry for what I said during my blackout
Congratulations on your new baby if it was intentional
Thanks for not ditching me in a dumpster
The good news is that she was a cunt
Sorry my Web browser history scared you
Sorry for what I said during my blackout
Congratulations on your new baby if it was intentional
Thanks for not ditching me in a dumpster
The good news is that she was a cunt