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  • Jun. 29th, 2008

    Thank god our Founding Fathers didn't decide to declare independence in winter.

    Thank god our Founding Fathers didn't decide to declare independence in winter.

  • Jun. 28th, 2009

    What independence day is about (Michael Ian Black and Michael Showalter).

    What independence day is about (Michael Ian Black and Michael Showalter).

  • Jun. 28th, 2009

    Happy Independence Day even if you hate America.

    Happy Independence Day even if you hate America.

  • Jun. 29th, 2008

    You're invited to drink enough on my roof that it's a bad idea to be on my roof.

    You're invited to drink enough on my roof that it's a bad idea to be on my roof.

  • Jun. 28th, 2009

    Let's celebrate our country's birthday with a lavish display of fireworks we can't afford because of our country's disastrous economy.

    Let's celebrate our country's birthday with a lavish display of fireworks we can't afford because of our country's disastrous economy.

  • Jun. 29th, 2008

    Curious if you can handle the mind-numbingly simple task of bringing ice to my barbecue.

    Curious if you can handle the mind-numbingly simple task of bringing ice to my barbecue.

  • Jun. 28th, 2009

    Independence Day reminds me how fortunate we are to live in a country that eschews violent street protests in favor of snarky blog commentary.

    Independence Day reminds me how fortunate we are to live in a country that eschews violent street protests in favor of snarky blog commentary.

  • Jun. 29th, 2008

    This July 4th, I'm certainly not above a Jim Beam-fueled 'U-S-A' chant.

    This July 4th, I'm certainly not above a Jim Beam-fueled "U-S-A" chant.

  • Jun. 30th, 2010

    We should celebrate this great nation of immigrants as soon as I see your proof of citizenship.

    We should celebrate this great nation of immigrants as soon as I see your proof of citizenship.

  • Jun. 22nd, 2008

    Let's honor America with fireworks purchased from illegal immigrants.

    Let's honor America with fireworks purchased from illegal immigrants.

  • Jun. 29th, 2011

    Let's enjoy one of the last Independence Days before our complete dependence on China.

    Let's enjoy one of the last Independence Days before our complete dependence on China.

  • Jun. 29th, 2008

    I hope the perplexing days of having a non-American hot dog eating champion remain behind us.

    I hope the perplexing days of having a non-American hot dog eating champion remain behind us.

  • Jun. 30th, 2011

    This July 4th, let's celebrate our freedom to be trapped for five hours in horrifying standstill traffic.

    This July 4th, let's celebrate our freedom to be trapped for five hours in horrifying standstill traffic.

  • Jun. 29th, 2008

    Let's proudly wave our American flags made in China.

    Let's proudly wave our American flags made in China.

  • Jun. 30th, 2011

    Let's celebrate America by seeing a blockbuster action sequel that embodies everything appalling about America.

    Let's celebrate America by seeing a blockbuster action sequel that embodies everything appalling about America.

  • Jun. 29th, 2008

    I have profound respect for the one sentence of the Declaration of Independence I've actually read.

    I have profound respect for the one sentence of the Declaration of Independence I've actually read.

  • Jul. 1st, 2011

    Happy July 4th birthday to someone who looks much younger than America.

    Happy July 4th birthday to someone who looks much younger than America.

  • Jun. 29th, 2008

    Call me a masochist, but I can't say I would have minded 232 years of oppressive colonial rule.

    Call me a masochist, but I can't say I would have minded 232 years of oppressive colonial rule.

  • Jun. 22nd, 2008

    I'm patriotic in that I sometimes get astonishingly hammered on only American-sounding beers.

    I'm patriotic in that I sometimes get astonishingly hammered on only American-sounding beers.

  • Jul. 1st, 2009

    I hope the irony of scheduling your wedding so close to Independence Day isn't lost on you.

    I hope the irony of scheduling your wedding so close to Independence Day isn't lost on you.

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