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    Happy birthday to someone so old they don't have any real vices to give up for Lent.

    Happy birthday to someone so old they don't have any real vices to give up for Lent.

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    Just wanted to remind you I didn't give up sex for Lent.

    Just wanted to remind you I didn't give up sex for Lent.

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    If you give up gossip for Lent, I'm going to spend 40 straight days talking shit about you.

    If you give up gossip for Lent, I'm going to spend 40 straight days talking shit about you.

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    This year for Lent I'm giving up.

    This year for Lent I'm giving up.

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    I've begun my 40-day celebration of no longer being religious.

    I've begun my 40-day celebration of no longer being religious

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    You may as well wait 40 more days to call me because I'm giving up flaky guys for Lent.

    You may as well wait 40 more days to call me because I'm giving up flaky guys for Lent

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    It must be a nice change of pace to have a man rub something on your forehead outside of a bedroom.

    It must be a nice change of pace to have a man rub something on your forehead outside of a bedroom.

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    This Ash Wednesday, best wishes on proving you love Jesus more than you love not looking ridiculous in front of your peers.

    This Ash Wednesday, best wishes on proving you love Jesus more than you love not looking ridiculous in front of your peers

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    I hope your 40 days of shame, penitence, and self-denial are going well.

    I hope your 40 days of shame, penitence, and self-denial are going well

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    I'm giving up Internet porn for Lent so I'll be needing a lot more actual sex.

    I'm giving up Internet porn for Lent so I'll be needing a lot more actual sex

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    I'm giving up being a self-hating Jew for Lent.

    I'm giving up being a self-hating Jew for Lent

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    This Lent, I'm giving up fantasizing about all the things I was going to buy with the Christmas bonus I never got.

    This Lent, I'm giving up fantasizing about all the things I was going to buy with the Christmas bonus I never got

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    I believe I'm getting closer to God by spending a few weeks not eating M&M's.

    I believe I'm getting closer to God by spending a few weeks not eating M&M's

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    I hope your Ash Wednesday isn't ruined by being reminded you're going to die.

    I hope your Ash Wednesday isn't ruined by being reminded you're going to die

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    I'd consider following Christ if he was on Twitter.

    I'd consider following Christ if he was on Twitter

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    Let's give up our worst vices with the understanding that in about a month we'll indulge them with twice the fervor.

    Let's give up our worst vices with the understanding that in about a month we'll indulge them with twice the fervor

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    I'm going to give up TV for Lent except for all the programming I recorded before Lent.

    I'm going to give up TV for Lent except for all the programming I recorded before Lent

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    Though neither of us has entered a church in years, I propose we leave work to spend six minutes getting ashes on our foreheads and 2 1/2 hours eating lunch.

    Though neither of us has entered a church in years, I propose we leave work to spend six minutes getting ashes on our foreheads and 2 1/2 hours eating lunch

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    Congratulations on Jesus denying Satan's request to make bread out of stone.

    Congratulations on Jesus denying Satan's request to make bread out of stone

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    Today's the last day of you not giving up what you pretended you would for Lent.

    Today's the last day of you not giving up what you pretended you would for Lent.

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