- I know I am getting old when my friends start having kids on purpose. - I find nothing suspicious about concealing my birth year on Facebook - I'm not fat, I'm married. - I think we'll be friends forever because we're too lazy to find new friends. - I'm concerned my workouts have become tailored more to not dying than to getting laid - I just realized we're too old to be the young guys cougars would consider for filthy intergenerational sex - My decreasing libido is dovetailing nicely with my increasingly disgusting appearance - I wanna do boring things with you. - I just thought of a new way to recycle my old ideas - I'm waiting to get married until my age group's first batch of divorces - Reading music reviews makes me feel stupid - Let's relax tonight by spending two hours trying to find something to watch on Netflix. - I'm pretending to be hungover tomorrow so coworkers don't find out I go to bed at 10:30 p.m. - Love Coupon: Entitles you to one special evening of sleepy, mechanical weeknight sex. - I hope I die first - Sorry I'm too old to have a disgusting bachelor party - I don't have any recent pictures of me on my dating profile because I haven't done anything worth documenting for the last 15 years - At my age, Spring Break means taking my full 30 minutes for lunch - We should have sex if we're ever somehow both in bed and awake at the same time. - There's nothing quite as sad as our happy hours


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