Pokémon Go, as it would, has already become a internetional sensation. The ensuing promise of cheats, short-cuts, and—ahem, hello internet parlance—hacks, essentially guaranteed that someone would attach their phone to a ceiling fan in an attempt to hatch what was likely a shitty Goldeen. From one now-maligned Reddit user, named PootieTang85:

I watched a video saying you could attach your phone to a ceiling fan and turn it on in order to gain the needed distance to hatch a pokemon egg faster. Well I thought attaching my phone with a few rubber bands was enough, however it wasnt. The phone flew off once the fan got to full speed and made a nice dent in my wall.

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The other 84 PootieTangs would be ashamed.

Pokemon Go's unique meld of real-life locations with the game concept (you can catch a Pinsir at a BLM protest, even if you can't catch a Pikachu in the middle of the highway), is easy to imagine as one of the most dangerous games since World of Warcraft supposedly killed a girl by being too addicting.

But here's the thing about "Gotta Catch 'Em All." You don't! You do not, actually, have to catch any at all. You could, instead:

-Read a book.

-Eat a sandwich.

-Read a sandwich.

-Eat a book.

-Watch Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.

Just saying.

But if you do have a need, embedded in your DNA, to find a Charmander in your office kitchen, and you do need to accelerate the hatching process—please don't use a rubber band.

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