There are a few things you should never have done to your body via a Groupon.


Heart surgery, vein removal, anything involving lasers, and, as I found out, bikini waxing. Because once the waxing price drops below $39, the gloves come off. Along with a few layers of skin, muscle function and your dignity.

Nobody feels sorry for you when you hurt yourself getting a bikini wax. I learned that this week after I pulled a muscle/pinched a nerve/almost died while getting my ladybits landscaped. I should have just told everyone I fell off the stage at a Furries convention and saved myself the embarrassment.

“You injured yourself how?" my husband giggled after I begged him for another dose of Motrin. “Well, I hope you don't need a doctor because Obamacare doesn't cover hot wax injuries. That's why the Republicans hate him."

My friend Anne wasn't even that nice and just replied to my “I'm hurt" text with a GIF of Patti LaBelle covering her mouth.

The whole stupid thing is my own fault for not just leaving the salon when I first suspected that the waxing session wasn't going to turn out well. Unfortunately I was lying pantless on a table at the time, and I'd just told the burly, green haired esthetician—let's call her Ripper—that I wanted a Bikini wax.

"A Brazilian?" she asked.

"No, a Bikini."

"A Brazilian?" she repeated.

"Like, do you want me to take off all the hair on your perineum?"