5. Mini Reese's Peanut Butter Cups

Pairs best with: Alamos Malbec

For a rich, fruity wine with velvety undertones, you need a chocolate that's equally sophisticated. The smooth layers of chocolate and peanut butter are contrasted, but never overshadowed by this popular South American red. The more malbec you drink, the more this will seem true.


4. Pixy Stix

Pairs best with: Cheap Vodka

When you're trying to get drunk as quickly as possible, you don't have time to mess around with candy that doesn't pack a punch. Pixy stix get sugar into your bloodstream as fast as drinking directly from a bottle of Gordon's gets you wasted. It's a potently delicious combination. Well, potent, anyway.


3. Kit Kats

Pairs best with: Minibar-Sized Gin Bottles

The Kit Kat has an earthy taste of milk chocolate over a sweet crunchy wafer with earthy hints of cardboard. This will contrast nicely with the cold, clean fire of name-brand (but not too fancy to make mini bottles) gin. Also, the appeal at the heart of both items is the same: self-deception. Without it, we'd just be gnawing at a slab of choco-crunch and guzzling juniper-flavored ethanol instead of acting like we're enjoying four individually delightful snacks paired with a responsibly-sized snifter. Denial is best served in pairs.


2. Candy Corn
Pairs best with: Malt Liquor

If you’re eating candy corn it probably means you already went through the rest of your kids’ candy. In between sobs, pair those fistfuls of waxy corn syrup you’re cramming into your mouth with an equally disgusting and artificial malted liquor. With any luck you’ll forget what you’ve done until you wake up with a splitting headache to your children wailing.


1. Those Awful Orange And Black Monstrosities

Pairs best with: Turpentine

THESE ARE NOT CANDIES. This is what they use to caulk the hulls of commercial garbage barges. They’re nothing more than festively wrapped future bowel obstructions, which is why you need to thin them out with a little turpentine. Bonus: the caustic turpentine will probably numb your taste buds, sparing you from the nauseating stale peanut flavor.