My anxiety is like a helpful personal assistant, if that personal assistant was trying to help me ruin my life.

Laying on this couch for seven hours is a GREAT idea. (via Thinkstock)


I have plans for my day, but my anxiety has other ideas.

7:00 am

My plan: Wake up, do some light yoga, and eat a good breakfast. Start the day with gratitude.

My anxiety's plan: Immediately think about all of the emails I didn't write yesterday. Start composing emails in my head. Think about what would happen if I actually wrote my real thoughts in emails instead of trying to be nice to people. Get a brief thrill of power before I imagine getting an angry phone call from a friend about my real thoughts. Imagine that friend telling me how selfish I am, and revealing that everyone actually hates me. Finally get out of bed at 7:55 and shove a piece of leftover pie in my face to try to quiet my feelings. Be grateful that I managed to stop before eating two pieces of pie.

8:00 am

My plan: Go for a run.

My anxiety's plan: Run for about five minutes, then spontaneously realize that my boyfriend didn't say "I love you" when he left this morning. Think of all the times he's felt distant lately, ignoring the fact that he's been legitimately busy. Get scared he's going to break up with me and have a panic attack right when I'm running in front of that coffee shop where All Of The Cool People hang out while wearing small fashion hats and overalls, which are somehow back in style. Worry that I need to start wearing overalls.