A lot of folks are saying the Loch Ness Monster turned up in satellite imagery from Apple Maps.
Yeah, that's a boat wake. Unless those are the front and rear paddles of a plesiosaur!
They're not, though. It's a boat wake (according to me).
Someone may have just spotted the Loch Ness Monster, and all it took Apple Maps to find it. Yes, that's right, the same Apple Maps who gave us these mind-bending geographic glitches that resulted in landscapes bending like Paris in Inception. Small submarines haven't been able to find it (although they heard something close on radar, and maybe they saw a fin!), hydrophones haven't been able to detect it (except for possible clicking noises like a dolphin and a swishing noise like large fins being paddled!), 1500 years of looking straight at the water have proved inconclusive, and even its Wikipedia page is a morass of dubious citations or entries with no citations at all.
As you can see, this animal twice the size of the house in the bottom right had no problem
staying hidden for thousands of years.
But guys, that's totally, definitely the Loch Ness Monster. Look at those paddles! That huge (roughly 100-ft long) body! What else could it be, besides the image of a wake left by a boat that was slightly out of the camera's view (satellites take pictures as they move) at the time it was taken?
Eh, that seems unlikely. It's probably a cold-blooded, air-breathing marine reptile from a genus whose last known fossil dates to 66 million years ago that somehow moved from a saltwater ocean from a much warmer period of Earth's history into a freshwater lake that only formed 10,000 years ago after the last Ice Age. A lake that is, by all measurements, too cold for reptiles and too small to support a breeding population of large predators, let alone ones who come up to the surface to breathe without being spotted.
We did it, you guys.
(by Johnny McNulty)