Valentine's Day is this Friday – you heard? – and we've all got choices to make. The coupled among us have to choose which prix fixe dinner that they'll convince themselves is worth $45 per person to have, and what holes to do sex into. Meanwhile, we single folks once again have to decide which form of temporary psychosis will best carry us through those particularly loveless 24 hours. Here are a few of the most tried-and-true paths through the valley of Valentine's:


Be one with oneness. You are a lone scrub on a mountain crag, the solemn whale beyond whalesong's reach, Aaron in the Holy of Holies, Dr. Strange in his Sanctum Sanctorum. Here there is neither love nor hate, sex nor dry-spell, yes nor no; no boobs nor butts nor balls. There is only you, and your headphones, and maybe some almonds if you get munchy. Go to the zoo - alone! Go to a movie - alone! If you don't give a damn, who cares if anyone else does? You can spend the other 364 days of the year worrying about being alone for eternity; spend today discovering why that wouldn't be so bad.