5. Justin Bieber. Someone needs to put this little tyrant in a time out, and I'm not doing it because I don't want to get that close to him. Justin "Ironically Canadian" Bieber was conversing with a few fans in bikinis at his hotel in Australia this week, and at one point he asked one tall, statuesque girl if she was Hawaiian. Allegedly (but definitely because it seems like the sort of thing he'd do), he then told her she looked like a "beached whale." The fan was on the verge of tears as she replied "Are you serious?" and he said, "You should go on The Biggest Loser." Once I confirmed this wasn't a viral marketing campaign for The Biggest Loser, I was pissed. There's nothing worse than a little shit using his influence for evil. You didn't just ruin the week for us, Bieber. You ruined the year.
4. The person who coined the term "selfiegate." Earlier this week, President Obama took a selfie that made the Internet's heart stop. Actually, it was technically Danish Prime Minister Helle Thorning-Schmidt's selfie, which she got David Cameron and Obama to lean into. Since that fateful moment was publicized by a Getty photographer, this selfie has become extremely contentious, and that's really stupid. Yes, I know. We reported on it! But we are a humor site (I know this will come as a shock to some of our readers), and our coverage of the photos of Thorning-Schmidt and Michelle Obama was clearly meant to be a joke about what a scandal it all was. Once it was pretty clearly established that the tone of Mandela's memorial was joyful and party-like, with people dancing and singing in the aisles, major news outlets did not have an obligation to blow this idiotic story way out of proportion. Meanwhile, news was happening. Real news, that you could justifiably get angry at Obama for. Go on, now.