5. Those effers at the NSA. Eff you. Eff you so much. Eff this whole government. Thanks for giving people who are stocking up on guns because they think they'll have to shoot government oppressors in the near future a great excuse to buy 50 million more assault rifles. We can't even argue with them anymore. Really? Every single phone call in America? Don't think we believe for a second that it's just Verizon. Every single email, photo, Facebook post, etc., etc.? We don't even think that's a good way to look for terrorists! Is it really easier to sift through trillions of pieces of communication than, you know, track the lists of guys you know are terrorists? We know you're reading this, so: screw you. Your attempts to defend this country have made it indefensible.
4. A-Rod and the other athletes who forced us, once again, to remember that our childhood heroes are just jacked-up robots on steroids. The MLB is seeking to suspend Alex Rodriguez and about 20 other players in connection with steroid treatments administered by a Miami-area clinic. This can hardly ruin baseball season, which, like PED Scandal Season, runs annually from April to October. Still, this time of year (the time of year when we find out who was doping) always makes us sad, because it reminds us of when we first learned that athletes are jerks. That said, we still believe you're innocent, Chooch! Also, we do give A-Rod credit for helping justify our unwavering hatred for A-Rod.