5. Journalists reporting on the Rolling Stone cover. Oh. My. God. Have you seen this Rolling Stone cover? OK, but have you really seen it? Yes, of course you have, because this offensive/provocative photo of Dzhokhar Tsarnaev that many journalists decided should never have been printed was plastered wall-to-wall on television and across the Internet this week. In other words, this semi-trolling stunt that Rolling Stone used to generate attention was used relentlessly by cable news and blogs to draw attention to themselves. Stop kidding us, guys, we all know that you practically peed yourselves with excitement when this story broke. —JMC


4. Whoever bought Hostess and gave us lower calorie, lighter Twinkies. We were relieved to learn that our childhoods weren't being destroyed by the bankruptcy of Hostess, and thrilled when the cream-filled sponge cakes returned to shelves. But it is some bullshit that they're now 15 calories lighter. Excuse us? If anything, we'd be happy to see Twinkies that are double the weight and calories of old Twinkies. When we gorge ourselves in a fit of self-hatred, we want to feel that sick, rock-like feeling in our bellies for the rest of the day. —SRD


3. Those bitches in the Texas legislature. Remember Wendy Davis and her kickass shoes? Sadly, they were no match for Rick Perry and Texas Republicans. After calling for yet another special session (this guy LOVES special sessions), Perry signed a bill into law that includes some of the toughest restrictions on abortion in the country. It will probably be tied up in courts for a while now, but all that inspiration you felt watching Davis and the masses rally to defend women's reproductive rights? Officially squashed. —SRD

2. The judge who decided Bradley Manning could be charged with assisting the enemy. Let's be clear: we're not taking a stance on whether Bradley Manning should be punished per se. But this is really, as they say, not good. Manning wanted his documents to be seen by the American people. If what Manning published had directly assisted Al Qaeda, we'd have been told about a billion times. The basic logic went like this: because the documents were sent to the New York Times (and Wikileaks) and published on the Internet, Al Qaeda members could see them. Also, the videos everyone got upset about, like the one where an Apache helicopter kills two Reuters journalists (above), might have made more people angry enough to become terrorists, whether or not it was in the "overriding public interest." Which basically means that we're the enemy, because we shouldn't know things. Yes, this is really convoluted. Yes, we are probably not summing this up well, but let's finish by just saying that if you think it's a good idea for people to blow the whistle on things they consider immoral, that's about to come to a close. —JMC

1. God. The only explanation for the intense heat this week—aside from the very real possibility that we are doing this to ourselves degree by degree every year LOL—is that God thought grilled humans sounded delicious. So he cracked open a cool one and set the earth from "Warm" to "Crackle." And don't try to claim that it only "feels like" 104, God. That's just as bad. —SRD

Sources: Shira Rachel Danan and Johnny McNulty