5 people who totally ruined this week for us.
5. The assholes who raided a no-kill shelter and killed a helpless baby deer. No really. The adorable baby deer pictured above—whose name was effing "Giggles"—was just one day away from being placed in a wildlife sanctuary, but was briefly being held by a shelter. Without calling ahead or warning shelter employees they were coming, agents from the Wisconsin Department of Natural Resources raided the shelter and killed the deer (they claimed it was a health hazard, but didn't actually, like test it for diseases first). What the hell kind of dystopian novel are we living in, you might very well ask yourself? Here is a simple guideline for making sure America doesn't devolve into a post-apocalyptic wasteland: don't recklessly kill baby deer. Ever. —SRD
4. Vladimir Putin, who is willing to grant asylum to American whistleblowers but not to Russian gays. I'm pretty much sick of this guy and his frequently bare chest. Apparently, what Russian gays need to do if they want to be respected and protected by Russia's President (at least for 12 months) is find a way to make themselves political pawns in the ongoing struggle for power between the United States and Russia. That strategy worked for Snowden. So Russian gays, your mission is clear: leak some classified information about the United States government. Shouldn't be too difficult as apparently the only things the government actually gets done are in secret. —SRD
3. The Pakistani talk show that's giving babies away as prizes, for probably giving the Texas Legislature ideas. Hey, we are all for adoptions. Seriously, they're great. Especially when, you know, people make sure the parents are vetted correctly and also they're not given away on national TV for ratings. Still, we're really uncomfortable with this precedent giving a certain State a new idea for anti-abortion laws: anyone seeking an abortion should have a physician give them a condescending lecture and a clipboard with a release form to give away the baby on Maury. Now that we're at it, baby giveaways should probably be a tax credit, too.—JMC
2. Robert Mugabe, for winning a large and probably fake majority. African Union observers called the election, which seems to have elected Mugabe's ZANU-PF "free and peaceful" but stopped short of uttering the word "fair." Now, if you've studied the history of Zimbabwean elections under Mugabe (and believe it or not, this humor blogger has), you'll know that they are characterized by massive voter intimidation in the run-up to the election and then a "free" election full of terrified voters. It's not like we're huge Morgan Tsvangirai boosters, but the denial of power to his M.D.C. party since their suprise surge in the previous election was a huge disappointment to those who were hoping for change in Zimbabwe. Which, obviously, is everyone in the humor blog community.—JMC
1. The people at Pew, for giving us really depressing poll results. Turns out that over a third of millennials are living at home, with 32% of women still in the nest and an astounding 44% of men. Obviously, it's because millennials are lazy and entitled and Obama is giving out handouts to make people lazy and entitled. I mean, their scheme is pretty obvious: go back in time and slowly destroy good entry-level jobs for 40 years, raise the cost of education by insane amounts, and then manufacture a housing bubble from 1996-2006 that would eventually wipe out a huge fraction of the nation's wealth. All so they can sit on the couch and collect welfare. Mooches.—JMC