5. There's no pope right now. Let's go wild this weekend! We're not Catholic, but from what we understand, until there's a new pope, everyone gets a free pass to do whatever the hell they want. You can bet the former pope isn't going to be spending his first free weekend curled up on the couch reading a Nicholas Sparks book and crying. And neither are we! Hey, if no one has a direct line to God, how is God ever going to find out about the pre-marital sex we're attempting to have?
4. We're about to face massive budget cuts because we elected a bunch of children. Man, we thought for sure someone would step in to make sure this whole sequester thing didn't actually happen. Isn't that what usually goes down? Everyone gets all stressed out that we're on the verge of economic collapse, and then, at the last minute, the two parties come to the kind of tenuous, half-hearted agreement that makes this country great. Well, you really screwed the pooch on this one, government, because now we have to find out what just happened and probably talk about it for months. Thanks for nothing.
3. Dennis Rodman is the new U.S. Ambassador to North Korea. Aside from calling a brutal dictator an "awesome kid" and saying "I love him," Dennis Rodman seems to be doing pretty well on his first diplomatic mission to the Democratic People's Republic of North Korea. Perhaps his success lies in treating Kim Jong-un like the thirteen-year-old boy that he is—ruffling his hair and laughing at his jokes and giving him some tips on shooting hoops. Or perhaps the former basketball player's violent impulsiveness, bizarre behavior, and inscrutable motivations remind Kim Jong-un of his dad. Either way, we're still all going to die in a nuclear war. Oddly enough, since leaving North Korean soil, Rodman has not taken back anything he said while he was there.
2. We might have a chance to smoke weed with Jennifer Lawrence. In exciting news for everyone who already had a crush on Jennifer Lawrence but hoped she wasn't as wholesome as she aggressively looks, she and her Hunger Games co-star Josh Hutcherson were spotted smoking a "dubious" (the default word for "looks like a joint" — get it? like "doobie." Ugh.) cigarette in Hawaii. Makes sense: coming off of awards seasons and headed straight to filming the Hunger Games sequel, we'd be looking for some Maui Wowie to relax as well. Can't wait to see how many obsessed fans with disposable income just "happen" to catch a red-eye tomorrow and "run into" a drug dealer an hour after getting off the plane and then "randomly" fall into her balcony after scaling the hotel.
1. We've run out of ways to be outraged by an awards show. We've sifted through all the livid blog posts and the contrite apology posts and we're pretty sure we've catalogued all the ways that we're supposed to have been emotionally scarred by a singing cartoonists and a fake newspaper. Hopefully, the proper authorities have been put on notice, and future broadcasts where millionaires give each other awards and kiss each other's asses will be classier affairs, replete with the kind of respect actors deserve for being paid lots of money to pretend to do stuff. Now if you'l excuse us, we have to go shopping for some new outfits after all the garment-rending we've done this week.