- Let's do a liquid cleanse with alcohol

Lose weight AND horrible memories!

The weekend is here again and with it comes the perfect opportunity to let your friends, family, loved ones, coworkers, random Twitter followers, Facebook stalkers, and everyone else know what horrifying exploits you have planned. These cards are sure to cover at least a fraction of the reprehensible and humiliating behavior you’re looking forward to. Take a look and share with the world—the first step in your inevitable recovery process is publicly and gleefully admitting your problem.

Advertising - It's been too long since I felt the mortifying regret of a one-night stand

Take a break from pretending you're not the same tramp you were in college. - Friday is the beginning of my liver's workweek.

Why shouldn't your vital organs work as hard as you do? - I intend to spend my day doing as little as is humanly possible without actually dying.

You deserve a shocking amount of rest and relaxation. - Let's alternate blackouts so we can piece together our night.

The "drinking buddy system" is the oldest trick in the alcoholic's book. - I want to get you as gratuitously naked as a Game of Thrones character.

You don't need HBO to ask random women to disrobe for no reason. - It means so much to me that whenever I need to go out, get trashed and talk shit about people, you're always there for me.

Because isn't friendship all about drunkenly hating the same people? - I know multiple ways to displease a woman in bed.

For those who like to set—and then meet—low expectations in the bedroom. - Thanks for always holding my hair back when I vomit

Let a friend or loved one know they're the "responsible one." - This is the perfect night to troll the city for undatable alcoholics

How will you know "Mr. Right" without a depressing string of "Mr. Wrongs"? - If I overdose, you have my permission to dump my corpse at another location so you don't have to talk to police.

Not only that, but all the leftover drugs are yours and yours alone! - My vibrator and I are looking for a third.

Just make sure he's not more interested in the vibrator. - Let's invite ugly friends out tonight to highlight our cuteness

In reality, everyone looks the same to a bleary-eyed drunk.