5. Miley Cyrus, because no one writes her private letters anymore. Do people not have Miley Cyrus's mailing address, or is it just that no one trusts snail mail anymore? There must be some explanation for why Miley Cyrus keeps getting open letters when a simple email or text message would suffice. This morning was the latest one, from Sufjan Stevens, pointing out Miley's faulty grammar, and then of course there was the now-infamous public scolding from Sinead O'Connor (followed by a fun exchange of open letters between the two ladies). Will the Today show be writing Miley an open letter to ask her to come back on the program? Is Miley's assistant going to write her an open letter to ask what she wants in her coffee? Should we write Miley an open letter thanking her for all the traffic? Hey, that's not a bad idea.
4. Furloughed Government workers who aren't getting paid to take Columbus Day off. Getting every single National Holiday off—even the ones no one really gets off, like Columbus Day—is supposed to be one of the (only) perks of working for the federal government. But this year, many furloughed federal employees are being forced to take the day as unpaid vacation. Man, if Columbus were alive today, he'd never stand for that. He'd probably ride the Santa Maria into the side of the Capitol and take it over. Then he'd give all of Congress smallpox and claim the U.S. government for Spain. So actually, it's probably not a good idea to go back in time and bring him here. Just sayin'.