5. Anne Hathaway. This was supposed to be Anne's big night. After cleaning up at a string of awards ceremonies, with each acceptance speech inspiring more "I hated a girl like her in high school" internet fury than the last, Hathaway was the only nominee in the actress/actor categories who everyone knew was a shoo-in, so she had more than enough time to make this the most memorable attention-gobbling awards appearance of them all. Sadly, whatever insufferable crap she pulled last night was completely obliterated from everyone's memory when Jennifer Lawrence fell flat on her face on her way to win Best Actress, and then proved herself to be a sweet, unassuming, non-infuriating antidote to Hathaway's theater camp attention hog.

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4. The Onion. A lot of people got real cranky last night because The Onion called a 9-year-old a "cunt" in a tweet intended to be ironic, just like everything ever written by the fake news site over the past couple decades. Personally, we didn't really feel strongly about it either way — after all, we've never met Quvenzhané Wallis. Then the people who weren't cranky got cranky today because The Onion took the pretty unprecedented step of actually apologizing. They have pretty much never done that for reasons that are now obvious: offended people don't care, and people who weren't offended are now pissed The Onion backed down. Moral of the story: If you're going to call a 9-year-old a c*nt, make sure you really, really mean it.

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