5. Everyone in Korea. Ugh, Mondays are the worst when your country faces the imminent threat of war. it's so hard to come back from the weekend, especially if the weather's crappy or your country's mortal enemy has declared a decades long armistice invalid. Makes you just want to crawl into bed in your bunker deep, deep underground where nothing can hurt you. Sigh. Coffee it is.


4. Sheryl Sandberg. The COO of Facebook has offended some and ignited yet another fierce battle in the "mommy wars" after a TED talk in which she specifically described her hope that she would not offend anyone or start another battle in the mommy wars. Sandberg's TED talk brought up many of the issues in her new book, Lean In, such as the ways women hold back in the workplace and need to be more assertive and blah blah blah. All we heard was: it's women's fault they aren't moving up the corporate ladder. Obviously, this sentiment is completely offensive to stay-at-home moms, women who work part-time, women who work full-time but aren't as rich as Sandberg, and most of all, women of color.


3. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. In the last eight years, the Iranian president has gotten away with massive human rights abuses. But this really did it for his critics. At Hugo Chavez's funeral, Ahmadinejad clasped hands with Chavez's mother. Traditionally, Muslim men don't touch women who aren't family members, and some were scandalized by the image. Then, to make it seem like this photo was faked, the Iranian government photoshopped out Chavez's mom and put in a random man, claiming the photo of Ahmadinejad with the man was the original. Only the guy they picked out of billions of photographs on the internet was Egyptian opposition leader Mohamed ElBaradei. We really, really hope the guy who does photoshop for the Iranian government is also in charge of their nuclear program.


2. Thirsty New Yorkers. Everything that makes America great will be ruined this week as Michael Bloomberg's evil, liberal plot to make Americans less hideously obese goes into effect. Starting tomorrow, New Yorkers will no longer be able to buy sugary drinks larger than 16 ounces. After we got over our initial shock—which might have just been the caffeine hit from our morning Big Gulp—we realized this ban is no big deal. Diet sodas aren't affected by the ban, so you can easily bring your own sugar and stir in the 52 grams that you've unknowingly grown accustomed to all by yourself. Take that, guy trying to stop us from slowly killing ourselves!


1. Whoever is in charge of pig disposal in China: This little Piggy never made it to market, this little piggy intended to stay home but that didn't work out so well, this little piggy didn't get any roast beef, because they all got dumped into the Shanghai river for God only knows why. At last count, over 2800 dead pigs were found floating in the river, and authorities are still trying to find out what kind of monster would do such a thing to so many dead pigs when they could have been safely and humanely turned into bacon. In other news, Shanghai Whitewater Rafting and Tubing Excursions has cancelled all river trips this afternoon. No refunds.